Sam Avery

*ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS AS DRONE CAMERA FOOTAGE PANS THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE. WE SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION IN THE HALLWAY. THE TV IS BLASTING ACROSS THE EMPTY LOUNGE. BISCUIT CRUMBS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS THE SOFA. COUNTLESS STAINS ARE VISIBLE ON THE CARPET* VOICEOVER: To the untrained eye, this modest property is merely a run-of-the-mill suburban dwelling. But these crude crayon etchings across the wall tell a very different story. For this house is one filled to the brim with conflict, dispute and illogical misunderstandings. This house, is the home of toddlers. *CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LYING ON KITCHEN FLOOR KICKING LEGS AND REFUSING TO LET GO OF A SPATULA* VOICEOVER: And no other life form on the planet is as thoroughly uncooperative as the human toddler. *SHOT OF CHILD SAYING NO TO A DRINK THEN YELLING WHEN THEY AREN’T GIVEN ONE. THEN LOSING THE PLOT WHEN GIVEN ONE IN WRONG CUP* *CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN* VOICEOVER: Here we see th...

1. EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Much less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this one, kids. That's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, everyone! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is a real earworm isn’t it? Catchier than Ebola. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit actually. Like those Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that SHITTING SONG. I can't think straight. I swear I heard it in my sleep last night.   This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't even hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fucking thing. As soon ...

1.YOU CAN GO TO THE TOILET ANYWHERE No need to stop at motorway services or even find a tree to hide behind. Just wait till you’re surrounded by loved ones at a family Christening, lock eyes with one of them and angrily squeeze one out. Beautiful and convenient. 2.IT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO THROW A TANTRUM It’s the Friday before Christmas and your boss asks you to work late. You plaster on a fake smile, nod and say, ‘Of course, no problem at all!’ when all you really want to do is roll round on the floor, waving your limbs until your screaming face is beetroot and you’re choking on your own snotty tears. 3.YOU HAVE ZERO RESPONSIBILITY Adults have to fret about broken boilers, council tax and Brexit. The biggest conundrum a toddler will face is whether to eat that bogey or smear it across the wall. 4.YOU CAN BE WRECKLESS Ever fancied running with your eyes shut or getting your face stuck in a hole? How about diving head-first down the stairs or spreading Su...

MONDAY Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me? TUESDAY Wrecking stuff is so much fun! Today I ripped my fave book to pieces, smashed a toy in half and totally destroyed a new outfit with a nappy leak that nearly caused Debenhams to be closed temporarily. I love being creative! WEDNESDAY It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me? THURSDAY Some snotty kid pushed me over at the soft play area today. I cried. They stuck their finger in my ear. I cried more. Mummy came over and blamed me. I cried even more. Injustice is a bitter pill to swallow - I was fuming for literally minutes. I don’t know this kid or what their game is but mark my words - retribution will be s...

1.The definition of relief is when a noisier child than yours arrives in the restaurant. 2.Since becoming a parent I watch The Walking Dead and think 'Now THAT looks relaxing.' 3.I don't want a 'clean' house anymore. I just want to keep the level of shite to an acceptable level. 4.It's easier to extract a hostage from a warzone than leave the swimming baths with a toddler. 5.If I could preserve & recycle all the food my that ends up on the floor I'd be the new Bob Geldof. 6.Me and the wife don't call it sex anymore, it's now 'The AGM.' 7.Julia Donaldson & Axel Sheffler are the Lennon & McCartney of children's literature. 8.That said, I'd rather change a leaking, rancid nappy than read the fucking Gruffalo again. 9.Aldi is no place for a family day out. 10.Watching your little boys have their minds completely blown as they see snow for the first time is something you will never forget. Twitter: @samave...

MONDAY Woke up early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest. TUESDAY Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick. WEDNESDAY Drank bath water tonight. Tasted like soup. Did a big soapy shite before bed. What a day. THURSDAY Somehow ended up with two dummies for the morning. Then found a third I’d stashed behind the fridge. It was decent once you got past the fluff. Kept swapping between the three. Felt like a King. Then lost one and the other two got confiscated. Felt utterly broken till someone gave me a biscuit. FRIDAY I’ve had it with jigsaws you know. Every time I fix the picture the stupid big people go and wreck it again. They’re so messy. God knows how they live like this. SATURDAY Today I learned to walk a bit! None of this holding-on-to-stuff bollocks either - pro...

This week I crept up on comedian Jarred Christmas to chat about long-haul flights, Peppa Pig and co-sleeping. Plus we take a trip to the World Nappy Changing Championships! Listen to this and previous episodes on: iTunes:  goo.gl/gcD6Cs Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/

1.Told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he pissed himself laughing. I was deadly serious. 2.In the 18 months since my boys were born I've aged 7 and a half years. 3.Peppa Pig is an obnoxious bitch. 4.Toddlers have bigger ownership issues than BHS. 5.When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless you've just told them off when you'll continue to doubt your abilities as a parent...) Twitter: @samaverycomedy

1.The most utterly pointless thing I've ever done is clean the floor. 2.With kids you are never 'ON TIME', merely 'NOT LATE YET'. 3.It's easier to eat soup with a fork than herd multiple toddlers in the same direction. 4.There's been more head banging in our house this week than a Black Sabbath gig. 5.I've never taken acid but I have watched In The Night Garden. Follow my blog on Facebook here ...

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...) 1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff. 2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast. 3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car. 4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism. 5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic. 6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children. 7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the h...

1.I'd rather see my child's empty plate at the end of a meal than my lottery numbers come up. 2.A toddler can spot stray dummies like a hawk spots field mice. 3.Kids get pop up book. Kids wreck pop up book Parents buy new pop up book. Kids totally fucking destroy new book in seconds. 4.I should have tried a breast milk latte while I had the chance. 5.Reading a book to your child that you haven't already previously read 4,947 times is INCREDIBLE. Sign up to my mailing list via the link on the right hand side or follow my blog on Facebook , Twitter or Instagram .

1.If you're not careful, a day of relaxed nothingness without the kids can easily morph into a 3 hour blitz of the house and a visit to the tip. 2.There's nothing weird about getting poo on my hand anymore. Which is weird in itself. 3.My new motto is 'Ah, fuck it. That'll do." 4.I'll never understand the tastebuds of a toddler: my son will eat coal but refuses chicken. 5.Our house smells like a condemned pet shop. Finally, the highlight of my week was definitely this: Twin 1 cries. Twin 2 crawls to other side of room, retrieves dummy, gives to his brother. Twin 1 settles. Daddy gets something in his eye... I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my parenting blog on Facebook , Twitter , Instagram or sign up to get each new blog via email on the right hand column of my website. I also release a weekly podcast where I chat to fellow parents about what they've learned.

1.Arriving somewhere EARLY with the kids will freak you out. (I expected the universe to implode.) 2.If you're on your third cup of coffee and fourth slice of pizza by 9.30am it's gonna be a long day. 3.Those happy toddlers enjoying ALL their food in the recipe books are CGI, right? 4.When my wife dresses the kids she picks the nicest outfit. When I dress them I pick whatever goes on easiest. 5.It's entirely possible to be so exhausted that you drop a biscuit and call it a c**t. 6.I feel sorry for the snail in our outside bin. Trapped in a pit full of rancid nappies and broken dreams. 7.They should change the name of Teddy Bears Picnic to 'Let's Wreck Daddy's Trousers' 8.Minging food on a floor is more appetising to a toddler than haute cuisine on a plate. 9.I'm pleased my kids are showing an interest in books, if only they wanted to read more than the same two ALL THE TIME. 10.As a parent I've actually listen...

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware. 2.Nap time is the absolute tits. 3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV. 4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur. 5."Who’s your favourite twin?" "The one that isn’t crying." 6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there. 7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.) 8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee. 9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it. 10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces...

1.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole. 2.If The Magic Roundabout was influenced by LSD then In The Night Garden was inspired by an angry crack comedown. 3.Sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop. 4.My boys scream when I enter the room and cry when I leave. This must be how Justin Bieber feels all the time. 5.I've had more piss on me this week than a urinal cube. 6.Trying to feed a toddler who's refusing all food is stressful enough to bring you out in hives. 7.I'm sure one of my boys first words was 'dick' and it was aimed at me. 8.If I didn't go out and work now and again I'd never have a poo in peace. 9.Dummies vanish like budget airline luggage. 10.I realised today I haven't used a muslin cloth in ages. This makes me sad. Sign up for my mailing list on the top r...

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own.  These are the comments I made: 1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps: A. People With No Kids Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.) You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing...

1.Some nappy changes are like Brexit - tonnes of build up, nobody really knows what's going on and there's a horrible mess to clean up afterwards. 2.I love the twins in their Toy Story pj's but I'm not keen on my wife constantly shouting "Awww, look at my little Woody..." 3.Guests who complain at the Furchester Hotel have obviously never stayed at Milton Keynes Travelodge. 4.The quickest way to go from 0 to panic is for a 14 month old to snatch the glasses from your face. 5.The only silver lining to your toddler being under the weather is that at least they want a proper cuddle for a change. 😩 Sign up to get every new blog via email at the top right of my website :)

1.The most annoying part of the daily tidy-up is doing all the fucking jigsaws. 2.Buying suede shoes as a parent is as optimistic as a bull farmer opening a China shop next to his stables. 3.You don't need the gym when you can just push a pram with a flat tyre up a hill with a baby while holding a brolly in the wind. 4.When hurriedly bringing your baby into your bed at 5.30am you should really check first if they're crying because they've shat everywhere. 5.I used to think Father's Day was a load of commercial toss but after that lie-in this morning I'm now a fervant supporter. (My guest on this week's '5 Things I Learned' podcast is BBC 6 Music presenter and son of the legendary John Peel, Tom Ravenscroft. You can find it  here : or go to the right hand column of my site.)

1.Getting your baby to sleep is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning. 2.A nappy change that requires seven baby wipes before you even REMOVE said nappy will damage you spiritually. 3.Parenting ages you quicker than a fruit fly - I saw a picture of myself just after the boys were born the other day and then looked in the mirror. Yoda was looking back at me. 4.Leaving the house is harder than joining MENSA. 5.I've had more shit on my fingers this week than a clumsy proctologist. 6.Singing nursery rhymes in different styles (Metallica / Morrissey / Napalm Death) gets you through the day. 7.Both twins screaming together has the same effect on decision making as bad weather on a TV signal. It's still there, sort of, but there's interference, long pauses and it's mainly bollocks. 8.I wish I could've 'banked' sleep before I had kids. (Imagine being able to open a sleep savings account pr...

1. YOU FEEL EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this, that's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, kids! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is catchier than Ebola. Real earworm. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit. This is worse than the Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that FUCKING SONG. I can't even think straight. I swear I just had a dream with that as the soundtrack. More of a nightmare. This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fuckin...