Skip to main content

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#47)

1.If you're not careful, a day of relaxed nothingness without the kids can easily morph into a 3 hour blitz of the house and a visit to the tip.

2.There's nothing weird about getting poo on my hand anymore. Which is weird in itself.

3.My new motto is 'Ah, fuck it. That'll do."

4.I'll never understand the tastebuds of a toddler: my son will eat coal but refuses chicken.

5.Our house smells like a condemned pet shop.

Finally, the highlight of my week was definitely this:

Twin 1 cries.
Twin 2 crawls to other side of room, retrieves dummy, gives to his brother.
Twin 1 settles.
Daddy gets something in his eye...

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my parenting blog on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or sign up to get each new blog via email on the right hand column of my website. I also release a weekly podcast where I chat to fellow parents about what they've learned.
Labels:

Comments

Benny said…
The actual price outcomes hublot replica uk display that 5 jobs Rolex utilized whenever carefully modifying the actual view. The outcomes might have already been almost ideal had been this not really for that tag heuer replica sale submitted within the unusual “crown left” placement. Should you get rid of this particular cartier replica uk quantity, you’ll think of a determined typical change associated with absolutely no mere seconds daily. Even though you rolex replica uk from the “crown left” quantity, the ultimate answers are adequately exact. However how about the cost? Debiting $5, seven hundred through your money provides you with rolex replica sale pricey entree in to Rolex’s globe associated with gents’ wrist watches. You’ll need to spend much more ($7, a hundred and fifty) for that tag heuer replica Datejust II along with day show. The examined view provides the greatest cost-benefit percentage of rolex replica sale. Obviously, the idea of the “one-and- just watch” is really a fantasy. In the event that you’re such as me personally, you’ll usually turn out to be infatuated along with an additional view.
25 October 2016 at 08:18
replica Rolex uk said…
They have been replica breitling watch created for much higher requirements. It can be considered as Omega replica the most convenient method available for someone to own a luxury brand name replica Omega timepiece.
7 April 2017 at 04:57
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu
Post a Comment
Read more