Sam Avery

*ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS AS DRONE CAMERA FOOTAGE PANS THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE. WE SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION IN THE HALLWAY. THE TV IS BLASTING ACROSS THE EMPTY LOUNGE. BISCUIT CRUMBS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS THE SOFA. COUNTLESS STAINS ARE VISIBLE ON THE CARPET* VOICEOVER: To the untrained eye, this modest property is merely a run-of-the-mill suburban dwelling. But these crude crayon etchings across the wall tell a very different story. For this house is one filled to the brim with conflict, dispute and illogical misunderstandings. This house, is the home of toddlers. *CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LYING ON KITCHEN FLOOR KICKING LEGS AND REFUSING TO LET GO OF A SPATULA* VOICEOVER: And no other life form on the planet is as thoroughly uncooperative as the human toddler. *SHOT OF CHILD SAYING NO TO A DRINK THEN YELLING WHEN THEY AREN’T GIVEN ONE. THEN LOSING THE PLOT WHEN GIVEN ONE IN WRONG CUP* *CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN* VOICEOVER: Here we see th...

1. EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Much less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this one, kids. That's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, everyone! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is a real earworm isn’t it? Catchier than Ebola. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit actually. Like those Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that SHITTING SONG. I can't think straight. I swear I heard it in my sleep last night.   This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't even hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fucking thing. As soon ...

This week I crept up on comedian Jarred Christmas to chat about long-haul flights, Peppa Pig and co-sleeping. Plus we take a trip to the World Nappy Changing Championships! Listen to this and previous episodes on: iTunes:  goo.gl/gcD6Cs Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...) 1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff. 2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast. 3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car. 4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism. 5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic. 6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children. 7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the h...

1.I'd rather see my child's empty plate at the end of a meal than my lottery numbers come up. 2.A toddler can spot stray dummies like a hawk spots field mice. 3.Kids get pop up book. Kids wreck pop up book Parents buy new pop up book. Kids totally fucking destroy new book in seconds. 4.I should have tried a breast milk latte while I had the chance. 5.Reading a book to your child that you haven't already previously read 4,947 times is INCREDIBLE. Sign up to my mailing list via the link on the right hand side or follow my blog on Facebook , Twitter or Instagram .

1.If you're not careful, a day of relaxed nothingness without the kids can easily morph into a 3 hour blitz of the house and a visit to the tip. 2.There's nothing weird about getting poo on my hand anymore. Which is weird in itself. 3.My new motto is 'Ah, fuck it. That'll do." 4.I'll never understand the tastebuds of a toddler: my son will eat coal but refuses chicken. 5.Our house smells like a condemned pet shop. Finally, the highlight of my week was definitely this: Twin 1 cries. Twin 2 crawls to other side of room, retrieves dummy, gives to his brother. Twin 1 settles. Daddy gets something in his eye... I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my parenting blog on Facebook , Twitter , Instagram or sign up to get each new blog via email on the right hand column of my website. I also release a weekly podcast where I chat to fellow parents about what they've learned.

1.Arriving somewhere EARLY with the kids will freak you out. (I expected the universe to implode.) 2.If you're on your third cup of coffee and fourth slice of pizza by 9.30am it's gonna be a long day. 3.Those happy toddlers enjoying ALL their food in the recipe books are CGI, right? 4.When my wife dresses the kids she picks the nicest outfit. When I dress them I pick whatever goes on easiest. 5.It's entirely possible to be so exhausted that you drop a biscuit and call it a c**t. 6.I feel sorry for the snail in our outside bin. Trapped in a pit full of rancid nappies and broken dreams. 7.They should change the name of Teddy Bears Picnic to 'Let's Wreck Daddy's Trousers' 8.Minging food on a floor is more appetising to a toddler than haute cuisine on a plate. 9.I'm pleased my kids are showing an interest in books, if only they wanted to read more than the same two ALL THE TIME. 10.As a parent I've actually listen...

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware. 2.Nap time is the absolute tits. 3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV. 4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur. 5."Who’s your favourite twin?" "The one that isn’t crying." 6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there. 7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.) 8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee. 9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it. 10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces...

1.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole. 2.If The Magic Roundabout was influenced by LSD then In The Night Garden was inspired by an angry crack comedown. 3.Sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop. 4.My boys scream when I enter the room and cry when I leave. This must be how Justin Bieber feels all the time. 5.I've had more piss on me this week than a urinal cube. 6.Trying to feed a toddler who's refusing all food is stressful enough to bring you out in hives. 7.I'm sure one of my boys first words was 'dick' and it was aimed at me. 8.If I didn't go out and work now and again I'd never have a poo in peace. 9.Dummies vanish like budget airline luggage. 10.I realised today I haven't used a muslin cloth in ages. This makes me sad. Sign up for my mailing list on the top r...

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own.  These are the comments I made: 1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps: A. People With No Kids Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.) You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing...

1.The grime inside a baby’s neck folds is worse than anything found on a nightclub floor. 2.Coffee is more important than oxygen. 3. People caught parking in the parent & child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven't napped. 4.Dirty nappies after solids get a very bad press. I’m a fan. 5.It’s possible to get so excited about going to sleep that you can’t sleep. 6.Babies should be born with teeth. 7.If something looks like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo. 8.If something looks like Marmite and smells like Marmite, it’s poo. 9. Walking round in public with baby sick stains on your crotch is only acceptable if people see you’re with a baby, otherwise you’re just a weirdo. 10.Playing with my kids is amazing but nap time is even better. FOLLOW MY BLOG ON FACEBOOK 11.Running out of baby wipes mid-change is scarier than any of the Saw movies. 12.It’s pointless emptying t...