10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#44)

1.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole.

2.If The Magic Roundabout was influenced by LSD then In The Night Garden was inspired by an angry crack comedown.

3.Sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop.

4.My boys scream when I enter the room and cry when I leave. This must be how Justin Bieber feels all the time.

5.I've had more piss on me this week than a urinal cube.

6.Trying to feed a toddler who's refusing all food is stressful enough to bring you out in hives.

7.I'm sure one of my boys first words was 'dick' and it was aimed at me.

8.If I didn't go out and work now and again I'd never have a poo in peace.

9.Dummies vanish like budget airline luggage.

10.I realised today I haven't used a muslin cloth in ages. This makes me sad.

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18 August 2016 at 10:12

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

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My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

Sam Avery

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