MONDAY
It really boils my piss when the Big People laugh at my
tantrums. I know to them it probably appears that I’m just losing my shit at
every possible opportunity but they must understand, different things matter to
me. I’m not an adult. I don’t have a career or a mortgage. My teeth are killing
and my only proper friends are my relatives so when you sing the wrong verse to
Old McDonald it totally feels like the end of the world to me.
TUESDAY
Watched a brilliant video on Mummy’s phone of some kids
dancing into their Daddy’s room when he was having a meeting. If my Daddy ever
has a conversation anywhere near that important I’m definitely going to do the
same. Those kids are an inspiration.
WEDNESDAY
Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid
reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What
kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know.
And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I
could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same
position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked
my head and I started crying.
THURSDAY
Discovered the word ‘no’ today. (Also known as NO! or
noooooOOOOO!) Total game changer. Maybe I’m late to the party but it’s so
flexible. You can literally apply it to any situation and it totally works,
even when you actually mean yes. I love it that much I even woke up in the
middle of the night randomly shouting it for absolutely no reason.
FRIDAY
Big People keep telling me to be careful all the time. ‘Be
careful near that table!’ ‘Be careful with that spoon!’ I’M A TODDLER. I AM
BEING CAREFUL. It just so happens that I don’t actually give a fuck.
SATURDAY
Went to a disco with a bunch of other kneehighs. A six foot
tall, spotty squirrel was DJing and then hugging everyone. I stayed the frig
away from that thing. To be honest, I’m not even sure it was a real squirrel.
She was wearing trainers.
SUNDAY
Chicken Pox. Must have caught it off that squirrel. Bastard.
I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every
Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...
Comments
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