Tuesday, 12 June 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Played a game where I pretended to be Daddy. Try as I might I couldn’t quite manage to get fat, old and decrepid in the short time we were playing.
TUESDAY
Asked Daddy to get in the bath with me and then leathered him right in the tezzers. He yelped like a frog who’d just discovered he’d mistakenly booked his anniversary meal at a local French restaurant so I seized the moment and jammed my big toe into his ring piece. He got straight out muttering something to Mummy about needing counselling.
WEDNESDAY
Potty training begins tomorrow. Consumed several 9000 calorie, high intensity carbo-fibre megaportions in preparation.
THURSDAY
Mummy asked if I needed a poo. I said no. She asked if I was sure. I said no. She asked if I meant no I didn’t need a poo or no I wasn’t sure. I said no. Just as I was quietly bemoaning her ridiculous line of questioning, I shat myself. She seemed disappointed but I think if she’s really honest with herself, she’ll know it was all her fault. The woman is an arse.
FRIDAY
Managed to catch a glimpse of the horrible shite I did in the potty. Never really looked at it properly before. Has it been coming out my hoop like that the whole time?
SATURDAY
The best time to almost cack yourself is dinnertime. Not only do you gross everyone completely off their food and stink the gaff out with noxious bum fumes, but you can polish off your pizza while you squeeze one out. Delicious AND efficient.
SUNDAY
Dear Diary, today I invented something so beautiful and yet so gruesome. I call it ‘The Absent Turd.’ Part mystery, part artistic statement. Especially when craftily left behind a door that opens outwards. They won't find that for weeks.
To be continued...

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Friday, 8 June 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Put a blanket on my head and ran into the wall. Screamed with the sheer bloody unfairness of it all. Standard start to the week.
TUESDAY
Saw two dogs doing something rather unsavoury to each other outside our house so asked what they were doing and Daddy said they were cuddling but when I pressed him for more details he just blushed and mumbled ‘ask your mother’ as he left the room.
WEDNESDAY
HATED my swimming lesson. Was crying and flapping my arms at Mummy and Daddy as they watched from the side. They smiled and waved back. Cheers for the support, pricks.
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THURSDAY
I don’t respond well to deadlines. I’m a poet, man. I’m an artist. Don’t restrict me with your grown up fascist bullshit.
FRIDAY
I don’t care what I’m doing, when that beat drops on ‘Five Little Monkeys’ I’m losing my shit. I hope that tune never hits when I’m a brain surgeon because I’d just fuck the scalpel off mid-slice and start busting some moves.
SATURDAY
Went swimming again but this time I was screaming because there was a fucking shark in the water and NOBODY WAS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT! (Got embarrassed when I realised it was an inflatable swimming aide.)
SUNDAY
Apparently manners are important to Big People. But not to me. So they can go fuck themselves.
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The 3 Year Old & The Cabbage (A Short Play)


*After 18 mins of farcical attempts to make the child taste the cabbage, he finally relents. A smile creeps across his face as he chews*

PARENT: See! It's nice isn't it?!

3 Y/O: Yeah!

PARENT: Do you want some more?

3 Y/O: No.

*ends*

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Friday, 4 May 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Hottest day of the year so Daddy left my rancid nappy in the car all day with the windows closed. Mummy opened the door and had to fight back tears as we were hit with a stench so unspeakably foul that many insurance brokers would have considered the vehicle a complete write-off. Daddy remarked how the car had become ‘a giant Dutch oven’ which has totally put me off visiting the Netherlands.

TUESDAY
Gonna set up a Trip Advisor site for baby change facilities. Some of those places need a good old fashioned rinsing - primarily with hot water, but also via angry, misspelt online comments.

WEDNESDAY
I’ve been told to prepare for potty training. They’ve been told to prepare to play fecal hopscotch across the kitchen every morning.

THURSDAY
Curled one out into the potty and everyone cheered. The big-match atmosphere inspired me to jump up and bend straight over for cleaning but I got my angles wrong like a goalie who’s misjudged a corner and somehow managed to brush my forehead across the freshly laid arse-cable.

FRIDAY
First swimming lesson. Cried for all of it except the last 2 minutes when I really found my groove and then they told me it was time to get out so started crying again. BUNCH OF AQUA-BASTARDS.

SATURDAY
Just because I fall over in a highly comical manner that clearly doesn’t cause me any physical harm, is there any need for the Big People to stifle laughter as they console me? Have some humanity for Tumble’s sake.

SUNDAY
I’m obnoxious at times and reprehensible at others. My manners don’t exist and I regularly soil myself and those closest to me. I also slap. Randomly and without prejudice. Bloody good job I’m cute, huh?

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Thursday, 3 May 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old


MONDAY
Had a dream that I ruled the world. Everyone did exactly what I said and I got away with absolute murder. It was just like when the grandparents look after me.

TUESDAY
When Mummy dresses me I look awesome but when Daddy does it he just grabs whatever’s nearest. The slovenly shite he threw me in this morning was so mismatched and undersized I half expected him to bundle me into a wheelbarrow and start shouting ‘penny-for-the-guy’ at passers-by.

WEDNESDAY
Got kicked in the face by some bellwhiff on the slide queue. Top lip was caked in black mud. Daddy asked if I was doing Movember. Fuming.

THURSDAY
If it takes 10,000 hours of training to become an expert, today I became a virtuoso at clothing avoidance.

FRIDAY
You know what I love doing? Speaking at normal volume across the opposite side of a busy soft play from Mummy and then getting annoyed that she can’t hear me.

SATURDAY
Finally went on the Gruffalo trail! Was giddy with excitement as we arrived at the deep, dark wood and I’m singing the song and we start walking and even though we don’t see anything for a while, that’s fine because it helps establish the necessary tension for a big reveal later on so we keep on walking and I get a bit tired but I’m still smiling because I badly want to meet the Gruffalo and his mates so we keep on walking up hills and through mud, laugh at another family who are singing about being on a bear hunt (wrong book, douchebags) and keep on walking and I’m wondering why we still haven’t seen fuck all, not even one of the peripheral characters to keep me interested, and then I think I spot him but Daddy explains that’s just an old man having a piss so I get a bit upset and Daddy keeps saying he can see him on the horizon but it’s all lies so we keep walking and I’m about to give up and run into a bush and then WE SEE HIM! So we start running and I fall over into a puddle so I’m crying and soaking wet but Daddy shouts that we’re nearly there so I jump up and we’re running again till we get right up close and see this absolute joke of a Gruffalo that looks more like Brian Blessed so I give him the finger and shit my pants in protest.

SUNDAY
Sang a rousing rendition of happy birthday to Mummy. Her birthday’s in September but that’s not the point, is it?

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