Thursday, 8 August 2019

We Have a Winner!


Ladies and gentlemen - some news!

One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE!

And that person is...

Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn!

(Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.)

When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone.

(Only joking. She was thrilled.)



Thanks to all of you for entering.
But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones.

Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring.

But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. 
I'm also heading back on tour with my brand new show 'TODDLERGEDDON' next year (full disclosure - I've not written it yet) and if you want to get yourself a good seat, tickets are on sale here.
Thanks
Sam x

Saturday, 6 July 2019

THE SECRET DIARY OF A 4 YEAR OLD

MONDAY
My new hobby is shouting ‘WATCH ME!’ and then doing something inexplicable shit. Today I stood with my legs slightly apart and waved my hands. And the big people PRAISED me! Dickheads.

TUESDAY
Started calling sliced kiwi fruits ‘hairy burgers’ in the shop. Mummy said I should call them something different. I asked her why she was laughing. She said she’d just remembered something funny from years ago. Strange woman.

WEDNESDAY
Daddy reckons I need to be wiping my own shitter before I start school in September. Ha! Alright mate. Whatevs.

THURSDAY
Was drinking from Daddy’s water bottle with my crisps. Left so many salt and vinegar floaties in the water his bottle looked like a cheap lava lamp. Daddy said I could have the rest. Result!

FRIDAY
Caught Daddy sliding a piece of cheese into his mouth with his head in the fridge. I shouted ‘CHEESE! CHEESE!’ continuously to let him know he’d been spotted and that if he didn’t want this intel to go global then he needed to cut me a piece of the action.

SATURDAY
My talking crocodile toy has gone missing. I loved that repetitive little bastard. It was so loud and green and annoying and it used to talk in the middle of the night like Barry White when it’s batteries were low, putting the shits up everyone. I searched EVERYWHERE for it. (As in, directly in front of where I was currently stood and precisely behind where I was stood. Like I say, literally everywhere.) Then Mummy casually told me it had broken so she’d been forced to bin it. Even though there’s no evidence, like when they killed Bin Laden. I tell you - I will not rest until I find that crocodile.

SUNDAY
Went on a bouncy castle. Was living my best life until I fell awkwardly onto a bigger boy who was all elbows and arses. I was fine though so leapt straight up but Daddy had already pressed his own personal panic button and was leaping across the bouncy castle towards me like an overweight ninja wearing his fucking SHOES! Come on, pal - even I know you don’t do that! So he picked me up and I was trying to tell him I was okay and just wanted to get back to my explosive and unpredictable brand of bouncing but he wasn’t listening and then he tried to step off the bouncy castle whilst still holding me but his decrepid old ankle gave way and both of us smashed to the floor like a multi-generational sack of shit. Nice one, cockbreath. I’ll remember this when I’m choosing your care home.

To be continued...

Come see me live! A few dates remain on the Learner Parent tour and my brand new show for 2020 ‘TODDLERGEDDON’ is onsale now! 

If you enjoy my blogs then you’ll love my book ‘Confessions of a Learner Parent’

Sunday, 30 June 2019

5 REASONS GLASTONBURY & PARENTHOOD ARE THE SAME



1. YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY THE SMELL OF SHIT AND WET WIPES

Whether you’re in front of the Pyramid Stage or making a brew in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this depraved cocktail the whole time.

2. YOU INADVERTENTLY SING ALONG TO SOME TERRIBLE MUSIC

From Peppa Pig to The Proclaimers, Tellytubbies to Janet Jackson – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. All the time. And just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy.

3. TWO HOURS SLEEP AIN’T BAD

Maybe your bundle of joy decided to wake the entire street with their impromptu Slipknot audition at 3am. Or perhaps the morning sun turned your tent into a sweat-pit after a late night rave around Shangri-La. Either way, sleep is now something you *used* to do.

4. TOILET BREAKS ARE NOT RELAXING

Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or taking a dump in installments because your kid got stuck between the wall and the sofa, both scenarios make normal toilet trips seem like a spa weekend in comparison.

5. YOU’LL WITNESS THINGS SEEN NOWHERE ELSE

At Glastonbury I once looked on flabbergasted as a twenty stone bollock-naked man who was painted silver waved his willy in my mates face and stole his chips. When my boys were babies I witnessed one of them piss in his own mouth mid-nappy change and somehow enjoy the taste. You just don’t see that kind of thing in Tesco.

(My 2020 Tour 'TODDLERGEDDON' is now onsale here.)

Sunday, 14 October 2018

THE LEARNER PARENT TOUR - 10 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. WILL THE TWINS BE YOUR SUPPORT ACT?
No chance. They’re way funnier than me. I’ll look crap in comparison.
2. CAN I BRING MY TODDLER WITH ME?
Yes but you’ll have to leave them in the cloakroom.
3. WHICH GIG ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST?
Whichever town you live in. That one. Honest. 😉
4. WHAT’S THE SHOW ABOUT?
It’s a stand up comedy show about being a hapless, learner parent to toddlers in 2018.
5. HOW LONG IS THE SHOW?
2 x 45 minute halves. No support act. Just me, baby.
6. I’VE READ YOUR BOOK - WILL IT JUST BE STUFF FROM THAT?
Not at all. This is a brand new, never-before seen show that pretty much picks up where the book left off.
7. WHY AREN’T YOU COMING TO *INSERT TOWN NAME HERE*?
I would have loved to come to more places but scheduling and venue availability didn’t permit it, sorry 😔
8. MY HUSBAND / WIFE / BOYFRIEND / PARTNER HAS NEVER HEARD OF YOU. SHALL I BRING THEM ALONG TOO?
Yes because I’ll win them over with my cheeky northern charm. And if that fails I’ll hit them with some high quality knob gags.
9. WILL YOU SIGN MY BOOK AT THE SHOW?
Of course, I’d love to! I’ll be doing a meet & greet and signings after every gig.
10. WILL YOU BE PROVIDING TENA LADY’S?
Prob best bringing your own to be honest, luv.

I'm going on tour from Oct 18 - March 19, for dates and tickets click here.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday, or sign up here to get them via email.
My bestselling book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is currently only £6.99 for Kindle.

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