Sunday, 14 October 2018

THE LEARNER PARENT TOUR - 10 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. WILL THE TWINS BE YOUR SUPPORT ACT?
No chance. They’re way funnier than me. I’ll look crap in comparison.
2. CAN I BRING MY TODDLER WITH ME?
Yes but you’ll have to leave them in the cloakroom.
3. WHICH GIG ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST?
Whichever town you live in. That one. Honest. 😉
4. WHAT’S THE SHOW ABOUT?
It’s a stand up comedy show about being a hapless, learner parent to toddlers in 2018.
5. HOW LONG IS THE SHOW?
2 x 45 minute halves. No support act. Just me, baby.
6. I’VE READ YOUR BOOK - WILL IT JUST BE STUFF FROM THAT?
Not at all. This is a brand new, never-before seen show that pretty much picks up where the book left off.
7. WHY AREN’T YOU COMING TO *INSERT TOWN NAME HERE*?
I would have loved to come to more places but scheduling and venue availability didn’t permit it, sorry 😔
8. MY HUSBAND / WIFE / BOYFRIEND / PARTNER HAS NEVER HEARD OF YOU. SHALL I BRING THEM ALONG TOO?
Yes because I’ll win them over with my cheeky northern charm. And if that fails I’ll hit them with some high quality knob gags.
9. WILL YOU SIGN MY BOOK AT THE SHOW?
Of course, I’d love to! I’ll be doing a meet & greet and signings after every gig.
10. WILL YOU BE PROVIDING TENA LADY’S?
Prob best bringing your own to be honest, luv.

I'm going on tour from Oct 18 - March 19, for dates and tickets click here.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday, or sign up here to get them via email.
My bestselling book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is currently only £6.99 for Kindle.

Saturday, 13 October 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Daddy looked at my drawing today and said, ‘Nice house!’ It was a fucking car, the philistine tit.

TUESDAY
Mummy CONSTANTLY asks me to refrain from twanging my trouser snake but as someone who doesn’t own any actual real estate in the schlong department I’m not sure she entirely grasps just what delightful fun it is. I reckon Daddy knows.

WEDNESDAY
How come a stand up piss at home gets a round of applause but a stand up dump incites a riot in Sainsbury’s?

THURSDAY
Saw some toddler wearing a Nirvana shirt. Asked him what his favourite song was. He said ‘Wheels on the Bus.’ Gonna assume he didn’t dress himself.

FRIDAY
Went full beelzebastard at breakfast. Mummy looked broken and Daddy was apologising profusely for having to go to work but I defo saw him punching the air and mouthing ‘yes!’ as he danced his way to the car for a nice relaxing day at the office.

SATURDAY
Was zooming all over the place on my balance bike and laughed so hard down the hill that I missed the seat and grazed my scrotum on the back wheel. Pretty sure I’ll never have kids now. Good job really. I fucking hate kids.

SUNDAY
Why does Mummy sit down? She must know by now that it’s utterly futile – wherever she is I’ll find her and force her to get up again. I always ask nicely at first but if she’s not on her feet within a tenth of a second of my first request then I think it’s only fair to start shouting at her with increasing volume and indignation. She must stand up, always. Be ready, woman. I may not need you right this instant but if you’re sitting down you’re literally no good to anybody.

I'm going on tour from Oct 18 - March 19, for dates and tickets click here.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday, or sign up here to get them via email.
My bestselling book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is currently only £6.99 for Kindle.

Wednesday, 10 October 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Wanted to learn some new swear words. Hid Daddy’s car keys. Bingo.

TUESDAY
Mummy told me off for twanging my willie like a dirty trouser banjo in Asda. But she never mentioned Tesco so I whipped out the sweet-meat for a virtuoso cock solo in the bread aisle that forced her to smother my nether regions with a brioche loaf. #makingmemories

WEDNESDAY
Daddy needs to buck his ideas up when wiping my arse. Nevermind my crazy post-dump yoga moves, he’s too experienced to be smearing it up my back like that.

THURSDAY
If Bedtime Avoidance was an Olympic sport I’d have a Nike sponsorship by now. Tonight’s delaying tactics included 2 drinks, 1 poo (phantom), 1 poo (real) and 7 tuck-in requests. I’m world class.

FRIDAY
Made a new friend today. A true pal. I never caught her name or indeed had any interaction with her whatsoever, but I sobbed when we had to leave both the park, and indeed, all our good times behind. I swore to myself I’d never forget her but if I’m honest, I stopped giving a fuck by the time we got to the main path.

SATURDAY
I’m definitely gonna be an astronaut. That or Batman. I’ve already got the relevant pyjamas.

SUNDAY
Was pondering life today. The infinite wonder of being and the sheer joy of being alive in this precise moment in our small corner of the universe. I was just beginning to surrender to the moment, let go of what was and have faith in what will be, when I fell off the bog and twatted my head on the sink. Bastard.

I'm going on tour from Oct 18 - March 19, for dates and tickets click here.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday, or sign up here to get them via email.
My bestselling book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is currently only £6.99 for Kindle.

Sunday, 7 October 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Fell full length onto a big xylophone at the toy shop which made a ridiculous noise. Everyone laughed (including the staff) even though it definitely wasn’t funny. Couldn’t get up properly so sprawled across all of the notes several times, accidentally composing my very own knobhead concerto. Big People acted like they were all concerned but I could tell those pricks were laughing behind their hands.

TUESDAY
Daddy lectured me this morning on the importance of vigilance, aim and alertness when attempting a stand up wee. Bit rich coming from the man who pisses like someone holding a watering can on a bouncy castle.

WEDNESDAY
Finally mastered saying sorry really sarcastically. Not only does this style of delivery conclude the latest misdemeanour I’ve committed but it also simultaneously states to my victim: ‘Hey, tit-sweat - I don’t actually give a single fuck about you OR your precious feelings and I would gladly do it all again at the drop of a Harley’s Rusk.’ A powerful tool.

THURSDAY
Was getting tucked in for bed. Told Daddy I needed a poo. He doubted my claim and went downstairs. HE WILL NOT DOUBT ME AGAIN. That poor duvet looked like it was sponsored by Bisto.

FRIDAY
Mummy thought I was crying because I had water in my eyes. Pay attention, woman! I was crying because you were washing my face and I’d just pissed in the bath!

SATURDAY
Made clear I didn’t want the rest of my apple. Daddy threw it in the bin. Cried because my apple was in the bin.

SUNDAY
Gutted about the World Cup Final. Had Croatia in the nursery sweepstake.

I'm going on tour from Oct 18 - March 19, for dates and tickets click here.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday, or sign up here to get them via email.
My bestselling book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is currently only £6.99 for Kindle.

Thursday, 4 October 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Did a stand up wee for the first time. Felt very grown up. Shame it was on the bookcase.

TUESDAY
Must stop giggling when I’m up to no good. It alerts the authorities.

WEDNESDAY
Managed to bolt out the front door and leg it halfway down the street completely bollocko. Felt like the whole world was chasing me. The big people shouted my name as the cool night air caressed my jiggling junk. Never felt so alive.

THURSDAY
Daddy put my shoes on the wrong feet and took me to nursery. What chance have I got riddled with the genes of this fuckwit?

FRIDAY
Invented a new game in the garden that combined the traditional elements of Association Football alongside the mindless and unforgiving violence of an inner city riot. Mummy refused to play with me because I was ‘kicking the fence’ even though, if she’d listened properly, she’d know that was clearly within the rules.

SATURDAY
Ran away while daddy was wiping my arse. The miserable git didn’t offer a smile even though it was clearly the most hilarious thing in the history of things. He just got stressed and started chasing me with loads of loo paper in both hands like some toilet-based cheerleader, imploring me not to sit down because my weeping bumhole would ruin the carpet. If anything, he only planted the idea in my head to rub my rusty hoop on as much of the floor as I could so it’s entirely his fault that our landing now looks like a Jackson Pollock.

SUNDAY
It’s been made aware to me that a very small selection of adults would prefer these diaries without the swearing. They believe that it’s not appropriate for a child of my age to use the language that I do. Even though I’m fictional. Knob off, bellwipes.

UK TOUR 2018/19: for dates and tickets click hereALDERSHOT, BRIDGWATER, BRIGHTON, BRISTOL, BIRMINGHAM, BORDON, CAMBRIDGE, COLCHESTER, DIDCOT, EDINBURGH, EPSOM, FAREHAM, FARNHAM, FLINTSHIRE, GLOUCESTER, HAVANT, LEEDS, LIVERPOOL, LONDON, NEWCASTLE, NEWBURY, OTLEY, SALFORD, SELBY, SOUTHEND & SOUTHPORT

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