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The Secret Diary of a 4 Year Old

MONDAY
Demanded to wear socks AND sandals to the park. Mummy said that I couldn’t as it ‘wasn’t the done thing’ so I reminded the inflexible hag that I wasn’t planning on poncing down the catwalks of Milan or wowing the party girls of Manhattan’s Upper East Side in this fucking ensemble. I was simply visiting a subpar, surburban playground in the North of England to ‘arse about for a bit’ and if I wanted to dress like a 57 year old virgin then I bloody well would do.

TUESDAY
Daddy is so sluggish first thing. That’s when I’m at my peak. Zipping about. Making plans. Ploughing through breakables. Keep up, old scrote.

WEDNESDAY
Wanted to be a shark so wore my swimming fin all day. Got told to remove it when I went for a dump but thankfully my arse stepped up with a rousing rendition of the theme from ‘Jaws’ to ensure the shark motif remained uninterrupted.

THURSDAY
Daddy explained to me that if someone is ever annoying me I must never rise to it and should simply walk away. I took his words very seriously and left the room.

FRIDAY
Last day at nursery today. Didn’t feel sad at all - was too excited about starting school. But then Daddy started acting all mopish and sad about me growing up until his plague of unease eventually infected me. A hoover of joy, that man.

SATURDAY
Have started experimenting with shyness. It’s handy when the Big People start asking you to repeat some of the comedy bits you’ve been working on at home in front of complete strangers. (eg. Generic Muscle Man, the robot dance, etc.) I refuse to do requests. If you want the hits, wait for the encore.

SUNDAY
Got into a scuffle with some random at the soft play. We both wanted to keep pressing the same unresponsive button on an unplugged vending machine and things got heated. I gave him a bit of verbal and the smirking twat pushed me ever so slightly. I retaliated with utter fury and nudged him back a teeny tiny bit. We then tried to have an actual fist fight but quickly realised we were both highly inept at violence so started tickling each other instead. Ended up having a great laugh and arranged to meet for a pint next week.

🔥 New blog every Tue. My 2020 UK tour ‘Toddlergeddon’ is onsale now

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