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The Secret Diary of a 19 Month Old (Part 23)


MONDAY
Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me?

TUESDAY
Wrecking stuff is so much fun! Today I ripped my fave book to pieces, smashed a toy in half and totally destroyed a new outfit with a nappy leak that nearly caused Debenhams to be closed temporarily. I love being creative!

WEDNESDAY
It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me?

THURSDAY
Some snotty kid pushed me over at the soft play area today. I cried. They stuck their finger in my ear. I cried more. Mummy came over and blamed me. I cried even more. Injustice is a bitter pill to swallow - I was fuming for literally minutes. I don’t know this kid or what their game is but mark my words - retribution will be swift.

FRIDAY
Think I managed a new word today. To be honest, I’m just shouting out different sounds these days but the big people seemed to lose their minds at this one. They kept repeating it for me to say again but I refused. It’s important to not bow easily to peer pressure.

SATURDAY
Those big fools left the babygate open this morning so I was straight up the stairs. It was exhilarating. My plan was to get to the top so I throw myself down again but they caught me halfway up. Bastards. It’s my own fault for giggling the whole time.

SUNDAY
I do enjoy the Tellytubbies but I wish they’d develop the characters a bit more. They seem to do the same thing every week and it gets boring. That bit in the middle is starting to grate too. We don’t need to see it twice do we? The music is still class though. Easily the best song ever written.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my blogs on my FB page.)
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