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The Secret Diary of an 18 Month Old

MONDAY
Woke up early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest.

TUESDAY
Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick.

WEDNESDAY
Drank bath water tonight. Tasted like soup. Did a big soapy shite before bed. What a day.

THURSDAY
Somehow ended up with two dummies for the morning. Then found a third I’d stashed behind the fridge. It was decent once you got past the fluff. Kept swapping between the three. Felt like a King. Then lost one and the other two got confiscated. Felt utterly broken till someone gave me a biscuit.

FRIDAY
I’ve had it with jigsaws you know. Every time I fix the picture the stupid big people go and wreck it again. They’re so messy. God knows how they live like this.

SATURDAY
Today I learned to walk a bit! None of this holding-on-to-stuff bollocks either - proper walking! It’s quite the thrill. Could see this catching on.

SUNDAY
Tried to walk while sitting under the coffee table. Smacked my head and knocked the table over. Cried and rolled around. Bashed my head on the floor and then again on the table leg. Cried more. Mummy picked me up and I threw my head back into the wall. Screamed for a bit then cried more. Someone gave me a biscuit. Felt amazing.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my blog on Facebook or Twitter.)

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