Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of an 18 Month Old

MONDAY
Woke up early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest.

TUESDAY
Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick.

WEDNESDAY
Drank bath water tonight. Tasted like soup. Did a big soapy shite before bed. What a day.

THURSDAY
Somehow ended up with two dummies for the morning. Then found a third I’d stashed behind the fridge. It was decent once you got past the fluff. Kept swapping between the three. Felt like a King. Then lost one and the other two got confiscated. Felt utterly broken till someone gave me a biscuit.

FRIDAY
I’ve had it with jigsaws you know. Every time I fix the picture the stupid big people go and wreck it again. They’re so messy. God knows how they live like this.

SATURDAY
Today I learned to walk a bit! None of this holding-on-to-stuff bollocks either - proper walking! It’s quite the thrill. Could see this catching on.

SUNDAY
Tried to walk while sitting under the coffee table. Smacked my head and knocked the table over. Cried and rolled around. Bashed my head on the floor and then again on the table leg. Cried more. Mummy picked me up and I threw my head back into the wall. Screamed for a bit then cried more. Someone gave me a biscuit. Felt amazing.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my blog on Facebook or Twitter.)
Labels:

Comments

Anonymous said…
Which makes it seem like a continuing breitling replica sale. Furthermore, there must be absolutely no clear ticking seem on the real Rolex.Every Rolex design has a particular type of cartier replica. The actual Yacht-Master, for example, includes a a lot heavier moment hands compared to the majority of rolex replica sale, whilst the Daytona fingers extend a little lengthier and therefore are curved about the finish, achieving completely towards the hash represents. The actual Day-Date design functions smaller rolex replica sale along with toned ideas. Counterfeiters will frequently make use of what ever panerai replica can be found in order to save breitling replica sale, wishing the actual purchasers may neglect this particular fine detail.
27 October 2016 at 11:02
hoxn123 said…
a UK Replica watches manual on the chain of mechanical movement, plating decoration has long enjoyed a good reputation of Replica Rolex Watches Geneva corrugated. Despite the complex structure, the surface of Designer handbags the replica watch is larger, but its overall design is still slim. DLC titanium coating not only Watches Replica can provide the best protection for the case, but also enhance the replica watchcase polishing and brushing handbag replica effect.
2 December 2016 at 09:26
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q
Post a Comment
Read more

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi
Post a Comment
Read more