Skip to main content

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#17)

1.Getting your baby to sleep is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.

2.A nappy change that requires seven baby wipes before you even REMOVE said nappy will damage you spiritually.

3.Parenting ages you quicker than a fruit fly - I saw a picture of myself just after the boys were born the other day and then looked in the mirror. Yoda was looking back at me.

4.Leaving the house is harder than joining MENSA.

5.I've had more shit on my fingers this week than a clumsy proctologist.

6.Singing nursery rhymes in different styles (Metallica / Morrissey / Napalm Death) gets you through the day.

7.Both twins screaming together has the same effect on decision making as bad weather on a TV signal. It's still there, sort of, but there's interference, long pauses and it's mainly bollocks.

8.I wish I could've 'banked' sleep before I had kids. (Imagine being able to open a sleep savings account pre-kids and set up a direct debit to yourself post-kids.)

9.Our lads (9.5 months) have suddenly got the worst mullets in history.

10.A rolling baby will fill you with pride and a smidgen of fear. From now on you cannot be sure that your child be exactly where you left them...

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.
Labels:

Comments

Anonymous said…
Providing the noticeably much softer appear compared to hublot replica sale call as well as bezel associated with it's old brother, there's a situation to become created this rolex replica forty view may have a few achievement like a full-sized Rolex diver which attracts ladies in addition to males. The actual Oyster band instead of the actual sporty rubberized exactly what rolex replica might demand a person phone "Elastomer" straps may likely help to make which market, additionally. That said, this is really the rolex replica uk view, despite the fact that We a lot like the dark towards the Everose appear. The actual replica watches revolving bezel offers refined elevated numbers as well as graduations which stick out from the shiny, sand-blasted area from the 18kt tag heuer replica sale precious metal bezel.
24 March 2017 at 06:30
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

MONDAY It really boils my piss when the Big People laugh at my tantrums. I know to them it probably appears that I’m just losing my shit at every possible opportunity but they must understand, different things matter to me. I’m not an adult. I don’t have a career or a mortgage. My teeth are killing and my only proper friends are my relatives so when you sing the wrong verse to Old McDonald it totally feels like the end of the world to me. TUESDAY Watched a brilliant video on Mummy’s phone of some kids dancing into their Daddy’s room when he was having a meeting. If my Daddy ever has a conversation anywhere near that important I’m definitely going to do the same. Those kids are an inspiration. WEDNESDAY Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across...
11 comments
Read more

#30: The 12 Different Types of Nappy

Opening your baby’s nappy is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get and you’ll probably end up with sticky fingers. My twin boys are 10 weeks old and these are the 12 types of nappy I’ve encountered so far. (If you’re eating your dinner I recommend reading this a bit later on.) 1.The Leak (AKA The Pooseidon Adventure ) It’s everywhere except in the nappy itself. Worse still, it’s leaving a trail. If Hansel and Gretel had a leaking baby with them the story would’ve ended happily. This type makes me actually doubt gravity. How can something that goes down end up on their shoulder? If it wasn't so gross you'd stand up and applaud. Unfortunately you can’t even enjoy the irony of removing a sleepsuit with bum juice up the back and ‘Too Cute’ across the front. (There are many causes of The Leak , one of which I covered in it’s full gory detail here. ) 2.The Tardis (AKA The Turdis , The Doctor Poo ) This is when the amount of was...
11 comments
Read more

Before You Park in the Parent & Child Space, Read This

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own.  These are the comments I made: 1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps: A. People With No Kids Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.) You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing...
8 comments
Read more