10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#17)

1.Getting your baby to sleep is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.

2.A nappy change that requires seven baby wipes before you even REMOVE said nappy will damage you spiritually.

3.Parenting ages you quicker than a fruit fly - I saw a picture of myself just after the boys were born the other day and then looked in the mirror. Yoda was looking back at me.

4.Leaving the house is harder than joining MENSA.

5.I've had more shit on my fingers this week than a clumsy proctologist.

6.Singing nursery rhymes in different styles (Metallica / Morrissey / Napalm Death) gets you through the day.

7.Both twins screaming together has the same effect on decision making as bad weather on a TV signal. It's still there, sort of, but there's interference, long pauses and it's mainly bollocks.

8.I wish I could've 'banked' sleep before I had kids. (Imagine being able to open a sleep savings account pre-kids and set up a direct debit to yourself post-kids.)

9.Our lads (9.5 months) have suddenly got the worst mullets in history.

10.A rolling baby will fill you with pride and a smidgen of fear. From now on you cannot be sure that your child be exactly where you left them...

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

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24 March 2017 at 06:30

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