The Secret Diary of a 20 Month Old (Part 26)

MONDAY

Got some new books today but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m very familiar with. I must have read that one about the zoo a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the big people try to inject false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again.

TUESDAY

I’ve been saying this for a while now but Postman Pat is an absolute knob. I’m only 20 months old and even I know he’d struggle to get his hands on a fucking plane. Love Peppa Pig though. What a role model. I hope I grow up to be just as obnoxious as her.

WEDNESDAY

Refused to take my nap today. Was convinced something amazing was going to happen and I didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed.

THURSDAY

Played with daddy’s iPad this morning but they took if off me. Said they’d put it somewhere safe. Found it on the sofa later so put it in the toilet. That’s got a lid so must be really safe. Apparently not. You can’t win with these people.

FRIDAY

Went to see Father Christmas today. What a joke. Who is this man anyway? And why are we queuing up to meet someone with a fake beard who smells of biscuits?

SATURDAY

Note to self – while Sudocrem is great for bum rash, it tastes horrible. I had half a tub in my mouth at one point. Tried to scrape it off my tongue but still had loads on my fingers so made it worse. Started crying which turned the stuff to this horrible gloopy shite. At least I won’t get bum rash on my face now.

SUNDAY

Felt a bit sad today but then did a poo that took lots of effort and then I felt dead happy. Made sure I locked eyes with a big person while I was doing it. I think it freaks them out.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...)

Comments

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Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

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Sam Avery

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