The Secret Diary of a 20 Month Old (Part 25)

MONDAY

The big people need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me.

TUESDAY

Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying.

WEDNESDAY

Spent most of today whining. Not about anything in particular, just toddler stuff. Annoyed myself in the end. Whined even more. It’s a vicious circle.

THURSDAY

More glittery stuff keeps appearing round the house. Tacky as fuck. These people have no class. Even some of the shite on the fridge that I drew looks better. (I’m talking about the stuff I did last year, obviously. Some of my latest crayon etchings are really pushing the artistic envelope IMHO.)

FRIDAY

Loving doors at the moment. Closing, opening, walking through, twatting my head. They’re great! Opening and closing for ages is my favourite. Wanted to do it in the car but they wouldn’t let me. Something about ‘being on the motorway’ whatever that is.

SATURDAY

Full on Tantrum today. Oh my word, I went bananas! Rolling round the floor, kicking the cupboards, waving my arms. At one point I had so many snotty tears in my mouth I could barely breathe! Quite exhilarating. And I stand by my decision to lose it for a full hour. I told them I didn’t want to do a jigsaw.

SUNDAY

Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for mercy. Knobhead.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...)

Comments

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Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

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My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

Sam Avery

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