5 Kids TV Shows (If They Were More Realistic)

CBeebies have announced they want to make their programmes more 'realistic.' Here's 5 suggestions on how they could do that:

1. POSTMAN PAT is made redundant after the privatisation of Royal Mail. Later episodes show Pat working for UPS, drinking heavily, and moaning to anyone who'll listen about the Tories, delivery drones, and 'that fucking Amazon.'

2. PEPPA PIG

After running up crippling gambling debts with Grampy Rabbit, Daddy Pig is forced to accept an offer from Channel 5 to be featured on Reality TV.

The show is a huge hit and runs for 12 seasons, culminating with an 18 year old George kickstarting the most progressive discussion of transgender politics in the UK's history by announcing live on air that he 'always felt like a cow trapped in a pigs body.'

George becomes a national sweetheart and stars in a string of spin off shows to varying success.

3. THE TELLYTUBBIES are arrested after a three day illegal rave in Tubbyland is busted by police. Dipsy is sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

4. RAA RAA THE NOISY LION is poached by an American dentist on a hunting holiday who claims he 'didn't know of Rara's significance.' International outcry follows.

5. THE FURCHESTER HOTEL is closed by the authorities for violating a litany of health and safety guidelines.

Mrs Furchester absconds after being wanted by police for her part in the Muppet-smuggling ring that used the premises as a safe house. The ringleader is sentenced to 18 years which leads into the follow up prison series 'Elmo is the New Black'.

I'm a stand up comic and dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

Comments

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

Sam Avery

Search This Blog