5 Kids TV Shows (If They Were More Realistic)

CBeebies have announced they want to make their programmes more 'realistic.' Here's 5 suggestions on how they could do that:

1. POSTMAN PAT is made redundant after the privatisation of Royal Mail. Later episodes show Pat working for UPS, drinking heavily, and moaning to anyone who'll listen about the Tories, delivery drones, and 'that fucking Amazon.'

2. PEPPA PIG

After running up crippling gambling debts with Grampy Rabbit, Daddy Pig is forced to accept an offer from Channel 5 to be featured on Reality TV.

The show is a huge hit and runs for 12 seasons, culminating with an 18 year old George kickstarting the most progressive discussion of transgender politics in the UK's history by announcing live on air that he 'always felt like a cow trapped in a pigs body.'

George becomes a national sweetheart and stars in a string of spin off shows to varying success.

3. THE TELLYTUBBIES are arrested after a three day illegal rave in Tubbyland is busted by police. Dipsy is sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

4. RAA RAA THE NOISY LION is poached by an American dentist on a hunting holiday who claims he 'didn't know of Rara's significance.' International outcry follows.

5. THE FURCHESTER HOTEL is closed by the authorities for violating a litany of health and safety guidelines.

Mrs Furchester absconds after being wanted by police for her part in the Muppet-smuggling ring that used the premises as a safe house. The ringleader is sentenced to 18 years which leads into the follow up prison series 'Elmo is the New Black'.

I'm a stand up comic and dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

Comments

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

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The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu

Sam Avery

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