10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#15)

1.Both twins pulling their plonkers while staring you in the eye is a terrible way to start Christmas morning.

2.Tesco baby wipes are bollocks. They stick to each other like a magicians handkerchief.

3.If my son has the same drive and determination in life that he has to avoid naps then we're looking at a future Prime Minister here.

4.In our house, a puke-free burp is rarer than rocking horse shite.

5.Eight month old babies aren't appreciative of Xmas presents. But...

6.They should invent edible wrapping paper for babies. (Ours didn't give two hoots about the presents but were very keen to chow down on the paper.)

7.Our new play pen is visible from space.

8.If you accidentally leave a pile of baby sick, soggy crumpets and rancid wet wipes in a pile for 2 days it will fucking honk.

9.Now the twins have learned how to shake their wrists there's more jazz hands in our house than a West End show.

10.Your wife can hear you stealing her chocolates on the baby monitor.

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Follow my blog on Facebook here.

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