10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#15)

1.Both twins pulling their plonkers while staring you in the eye is a terrible way to start Christmas morning.

2.Tesco baby wipes are bollocks. They stick to each other like a magicians handkerchief.

3.If my son has the same drive and determination in life that he has to avoid naps then we're looking at a future Prime Minister here.

4.In our house, a puke-free burp is rarer than rocking horse shite.

5.Eight month old babies aren't appreciative of Xmas presents. But...

6.They should invent edible wrapping paper for babies. (Ours didn't give two hoots about the presents but were very keen to chow down on the paper.)

7.Our new play pen is visible from space.

8.If you accidentally leave a pile of baby sick, soggy crumpets and rancid wet wipes in a pile for 2 days it will fucking honk.

9.Now the twins have learned how to shake their wrists there's more jazz hands in our house than a West End show.

10.Your wife can hear you stealing her chocolates on the baby monitor.

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Follow my blog on Facebook here.

Comments

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

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The Time I Screamed at my Kids

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10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

Sam Avery

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