10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#14)

1.Planning all the stuff you're gonna get done while the baby naps BEFORE they're asleep is like deciding what to spend your lottery win on before you've bought a ticket.

2.We need the machine they use to jet wash the pigeon shit off the statues in Trafalgar Square just to clean our Jumperoo.

3.Singing a happy song is the only way to get through a really horrific nappy change.

4.Velcro bibs attack all the other washing in the machine like sticky parasitic bastards.

5.My 8 month old boys often gaze at the lounge lamp with the reverence of a pair of rednecks witnessing a flying saucer.

6.Babies can be more uncooperative than a supermarket trolley on cobbles.

7.On the wrong day, counting the milk formula scoops into the bottle is harder than following a free form jazz signature.

8.After bedtime the nursery floor creaks like a listed building.

9.Babies need more clothes than Madonna - they'll never stop finding new and inventive ways to soil them.

10.Watching your little one return to their smiley self after battling a bad cold for a week is pure magic.

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Follow my blog on Facebook here.

Comments

Monica Castello said…

It can take up to forty minutes to clean bottles this way. all the same, this method really to steal the expression when you find yourself in a situation where microwaving, boiling, or steaming your bottles isn't attainable before bottle feeding see more information.

5 February 2016 at 14:23

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu

Sam Avery

Search This Blog