10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#13)

(Apologies for the delay in getting this up on the site late - it went up on my FB page over a week ago but due to a dose of man-flu and the busy Xmas period I'm only putting it online 'properly' now.)

1.They should invent dummies you can locate by whistling or clapping, like with car keys.

2.You don't have to 'enjoy every minute' of parenthood. When they're coughing their guts up and you're full of flu it's worse than root canal surgery with an unqualified dentist.

3.All I want for Christmas is my lad to get his two front teeth. PLEASE BABY JESUS, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

4.Judging by where the mess tends to end up, my other son's bum hole is pointing upwards.

5.If the twins keep sneaking in with us I need to lose weight or buy a bigger bed.

6.It's easy to become everything you hate. I saw a mum pushing triplets and felt compelled to tell her that I have twins. She couldn't have given less of a fuck and rightly so.

7.I'd rather not kiss my kids goodnight than run the risk of waking them up.

8.Me and the wife don't have names anymore. We're mummy and daddy.

9.A balanced diet in December is eating each flavour of Chocolate Orange for breakfast.

10.No matter how hard or stressful your day has been, a smile from your baby washes it all away, like a wet wipe for the soul.

Click here to follow my parenting blog on Facebook. (Or go to the top right of this page)

Comments

Phil said…

#3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI02_UJ1C6I Someone already made a Christmas song for that back in '86.

22 December 2015 at 09:09

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu...

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q...

Sam Avery

Search This Blog