10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #26

1.If your house was clean *all* the time you wouldn't appreciate that half day every 6 weeks when it actually is.

2.The fury I feel towards Postman Pat genuinely wakes me up every morning.

3.Retrieving a dummy from a sleeping child is like trying to diffuse a bomb that can shit itself.

4.45 mins 'late' with twins isn't technically late.

5.I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm fucked.

6.When a nappy leaks there are no winners.

7.The noises from a toy who's batteries are dying will put the living shits up you.

8.Farms don't smell as bad as they used to.

9.Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show comes on and you think, "Ah fuckin hell, I've seen this one."

10.I'll never get tired of seeing my sons faces light up when I get home from work. Pure magic.

I'm in the running for a few awards at the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and I'd be over the moon if you'd vote for me! Click here for details, I promise it won't take you long!

Comments

marta said…

A standout amongst the most vital things that you ought to learn as a parent is the way to comprehend your youngster. You have to realize that your kid has an interesting identity that will stay for whatever remains of his or her life. By watching your tyke as they play, eat or even rest you can get a comprehension of your tyke and the creating identity.

9 May 2016 at 07:15

Unknown said…

Rolex in the European table branch is one of rolex replica the few companies accept produced a lot of of the movement. In accession to some timing movements, (since the 4130 movement, the Rolex all The bulk are fabricated - dubbed who note) of their own authoritative movement, watchcase, watchband and azure table mirror all. They accept all the administration stores, and uk replica watches they accept no His shareholders (Rolex is captivated by two families and has a acceptability as a accommodating donor). As they do so, they can advance their abiding planning afterwards fear.Do not accept to doubtable that they are the bigger table in Switzerland: the anniversary assembly of rolex replica about 800 thousand tables, they are still affairs their own assembly of anniversary table, they await on the multivariate Market Indeed, it can be said: This is their ability table in the apple (sorry).

13 January 2017 at 08:12

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu...

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

The Time I Embarrassed Myself on a Bouncy Castle

Kids love bouncy castles. And why not? They’re bouncy and unpredictable, like Kanye West on a pogo stick. But just like Calpol, crayons and eating your own bogeys, the allure of the bouncy castle tends to dissipate as we reach adulthood. I’m not someone who lists ‘castle bouncing’ as a hobby these days. My kids, on the other hand, love a good bouncy castle. The bouncier the better. The only thing they love more than a GOOD bouncy castle is a REALLY BAD bouncy castle. Especially those ones that haven’t undergone a decent risk assessment since mullets were cool. In fact, the more dubious the health and safety standards appear to a casual bystander, the more keen my kids are to dive on headfirst and find the hazards. So. We’re at a farm park. We’re enjoying the standard parental farm park experience - the kids are interested in everything EXCEPT the very farm animals that we just paid a whopping £37.50 to visit. (BTW - My son’s favourite animal at Chester Zoo was ...

Sam Avery

Search This Blog