10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#16)

1.The scent in our house is a combination of shit, baby wipes and desperation.

2.Brushing a baby's teeth is like trying to feed a Twiglet to a Piranha.

3.When remarking "they've gone down well tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first.

4.If you throw Vimto at a wall from the correct angle you can pass it off as an unfinished Banksy.

5.If your baby goes on the Jumperoo straight after their milk, the volume of puke will drastically reduce volume from the speakers.

6.You could open a food bank in a 9 month old's neck folds.

7.The grace period for singing Christmas toys is well and truly fucking over.

8.If my son keeps chewing his dummy like that he'll end up with an underbite like The Gruffalo.

9.I need to lose weight - I bent down in front of the twins today and the top of my arse popped out. They both started screaming.

10.Seeing your twins hold each other's hand makes your heart burst like bubblewrap in a microwave.

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Follow my blog on Facebook here.

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