1.I'd rather tackle a burglar with a tickling stick than a soft play centre with a hangover.
2.Kids TV shows need warnings at the beginning. 'This programme contains scenes that some viewers may find incredibly irritating...'
3.My boys shared a womb for 8 months but now won't share a drink.
4.Kids might well 'eat for £1 at Harvester' but try leaving them there while you go shopping - the staff just freak out.
5.'How do you tell the twins apart, Sam?'
'Well, one likes cheese ON toast and the other likes cheese WITH toast.'
6.Our sofa now has more skid marks than Brands Hatch.
7.I set my alarm for 8am every morning, just so I can have a little chuckle when it goes off and I've already been awake for 3 fucking hours.
8.In fact, me and my wife now talk about lie-ins like something from a bygone era, like Blockbuster Video or mixtapes.
9.Toddlers will not sit and watch the BBC News Channel even when there's been a dramatic election.
10.Parenthood is the most beautiful trauma you will experience.