10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.I'd rather tackle a burglar with a tickling stick than a soft play centre with a hangover.

2.Kids TV shows need warnings at the beginning. 'This programme contains scenes that some viewers may find incredibly irritating...'

3.My boys shared a womb for 8 months but now won't share a drink.

4.Kids might well 'eat for £1 at Harvester' but try leaving them there while you go shopping - the staff just freak out.

5.'How do you tell the twins apart, Sam?'

'Well, one likes cheese ON toast and the other likes cheese WITH toast.'

6.Our sofa now has more skid marks than Brands Hatch.

7.I set my alarm for 8am every morning, just so I can have a little chuckle when it goes off and I've already been awake for 3 fucking hours.

8.In fact, me and my wife now talk about lie-ins like something from a bygone era, like Blockbuster Video or mixtapes.

9.Toddlers will not sit and watch the BBC News Channel even when there's been a dramatic election.

10.Parenthood is the most beautiful trauma you will experience.

(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram )

Comments

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We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waf...

Sam Avery

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