MONDAY
Licked the telly when the ice cream advert came on. Hope
Mummy doesn’t buy that brand as it tasted fucking horrible.
TUESDAY
I wish Daddy would get some pants that fit him. Every time I
throw something on the floor he bends over and that hairy arsecrack is right in
my face. At one point I thought I was about to meet a new sibling.
WEDNESDAY
At the park Daddy kept putting me on the little slide even
though I’ve made it clear since I was about 8 months that the little slide is,
quite simply, bollocks. Slumped down it a couple of times and then ran off
towards the big slide. He said I couldn’t go on it and I was too little but I started
climbing up the steps because sometimes I don’t care and there was kids behind
me so he couldn’t get to me and he looked a bit worried but I knew I’d be okay
and then I got to top of the steps and just as everyone was looking at me and
it was my big moment to shine I suddenly and quite dramatically needed a poo so
started squeezing out something that felt like the size of my head. Finished my
poo and then slid down the big slide like a total champ but could feel it all
squish around in my pants like hot play-doh so the whole experience was quite
bitter-sweet to be honest.
THURSDAY
How dare the Big People give a book that I’m not reading and
don’t like anyway to somebody else? Just because I’ve shown no interest, left
the room and started doing something different doesn’t mean I’m not still
reading it.
FRIDAY
When I grow up I’m going to design tables and make sure none
of them have fucking corners on them. Bastards.
SATURDAY
Wanted to take Teddy to playgroup but they wouldn’t let me
so I screamed and they gave me the old ‘he’ll be here when we get back’
horseshit. (They said the same thing about that snowman we built last year and
he buggered off so quickly he even forgot his own nose, the fool!) I screamed
and sobbed and lay down on the floor and kicked my legs but they stood firm so
I kicked a bit more and then realised I was moving backwards across the carpet
which hurt my back so I stopped kicking and just screamed louder instead. Was
just about to stop because the whole scene was getting a little bit embarrassing
and I didn’t want to miss playgroup but then they completely gave in and said I
could take him. (Was pleased to learn this ‘Armageddon Tactic’ actually works
as results have been mixed so far.) Anyway, it was great showing Teddy around
playgroup. I introduced him to everyone and had a lovely time putting him in
the cars and pushing him around. I love Teddy more than anything and I’d be
lost without him although somehow managed to completely forget he existed so we
left without him and I only realised when we were back in the car so we all had
to get out again and rush back in and we couldn’t find him until I saw a little
girl kissing him and feeding him cups of tea so I calmly explained to her
there’d been a simple misunderstanding while I yelled and flung my arms about
and grabbed Teddy’s legs but she wouldn’t let go and we’re both pulling at him
and thankfully he ripped a bit and she lost her grip and fell over and we all
went home.
SUNDAY
I’m sure I overheard them discussing taking my dummy away
soon. If they remove my dummy, I’ll remove their remote control. Simple. We all
have our vices.
(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every
Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you
can also find me on Instagram )
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