Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of a 14 Month Old (Part 21)

MONDAY
Sometimes it feels like nobody understands me. IF I THROW SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR IT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T WANT IT. I’m expressing myself.

TUESDAY
Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. Really enjoyed it. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself.

WEDNESDAY
Spent all morning trying to put my fingers in the plug socket. Surprise, surprise, the bloody big people wouldn’t let me. Spoilsports. Decided to scream and head butt the wall. Hurt like fuck. Cried more. Big person picked me up and moved me away. I went straight back to the sockets. They moved me away again. This is not over.

THURSDAY
Saw my reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like the big people when they stand on Lego.

FRIDAY
Really wanted to go to nursery with no clothes on today. Why is this never an option? I reckon most other people would prefer it too. Might try and start a movement.

SATURDAY
People have got to stop tickling me when I’m fuming. It doesn’t help the situation and it makes you look like a bad tit. Stop it.

SUNDAY
I think I’m done with food now. It just seems like a lot of hassle and screaming to me. And chewing is a total drag unless it’s a toy. Or hummus. That stuff is heaven.

(Sign up to my mailing list and get every new blog emailed to you - enter your email address on the right hand column.)

Comments

replica said…
Chanel's handbag lookbooks are always fun; they usually contain 35 to 45 bags, ranging from casual looks like denim or canvas to eye-popping exotics and pieces that feature heavy beading longchamp outlet or embroidery, all of which give Chanel fans a very good idea of the full lines they'll find in stores. For Pre-Collection Fall 2016, Chanel has been even more generous: its just-launched lookbook features 64 brand new bags. In this replica handbags uk collection, there aren't any heavy pop cultural influences, as has been common in seasonal Chanel collections of the recent past. Instead, Karl Lagerfeld and his accessories team went back to basics, with rich ray ban outlet tweeds, quilted leather and embellished python. Every couple of years, it's nice to have a Chanel collection whose only theme is Chanel. Take toms sko salg a look at the bags and their prices below; this collection is currently available in Chanel boutiques worldwide.
Anonymous said…
One of rolex replica
’s better innovations was creating a baptize aggressive wristwatch that was able of arresting burden at base of 100m (330ft). Today, replica watches uk is able-bodied accepted for its dive watches and has been back Wilsdorf absorbed a Rolex DeepSea to the ancillary of the Trieste bathyscaphe, which went to the basal of the Mariana Trench. Not alone did the watch survive the dive, but it kept absolute time during both the coast and ascent. Jacques Piccard was quoted as replica watches autograph “Am blessed to affirm that even at 11,000 metres, your watch is as absolute as on the surface.”
hoxn123 said…
is an alloy of Designer handbags silver containing composition of moon rocks.Obviously, Romain Jerome CEO Manuel Emch was handbag replica a “Space Invaders” game addicts, there is no doubt that he will find the latest products Replica Rolex Watches happiness.SPACE INVADERS1 Specifications:RJ001-A movement.Automatic movement.Wobble: Watches Replica 28,800 vph.Bearing: 23 drill.Power reserve: 42 hours.30 meters waterproof.Hour and minute UK Replica watches hands mark the function.
Net als de replica horloges nederland twee toon Sub boven, secondewijzer heeft een mooie zwaaiende beweging van de Japanse automatisch uurwerk dat deze nep-Rolex wordt geleverd met. Gangreserve is van meer dan 24 uur, dus het is een geweldige keuze voor een dagelijkse stuk. kwaliteit Beweging is ook goed en ik altijd aanraden replica horloges breitling dit soort bewegingen voor een goede prijs / kwaliteit vergelijking. Date klikt mooi dus al de binnenkant van dit horloge goed functioneren.

Een zeer evenwichtig stuk en een goed gekloond horloge dat is zeker. Hoop dat jullie gaat naar de video, die ik hoop dat u een goed idee van alle betrokken gegevens te geven en replica horloges rolex al uw vragen beantwoorden genieten. Als je niet bent altijd van harte welkom om mij je gedachten, vragen en feedback nodig voel je in de reacties hieronder. Ik voor mij aanraden dit stukje open en ik denk dat u het wenselijk vindt als je op zoek bent naar de high-end ziet er van de Submariner collectie.

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b