Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old

Was licking the door handle in Costa so Daddy shouted across the shop, ‘I’VE TOLD YOU BEFORE, SON - GET THAT KNOB OUT YOUR MOUTH’ but then instantly covered his mouth like he was trying to push the words back in. Mummy broke down into some weird hysterical laughing fit. Daddy went bright red. I went back to licking the door handle. Everyone was staring. My parents are dickheads.

Old droopy bollocks gave me the ‘just-because-YOU’RE-awake-doesn’t-mean-it’s-the-morning’ lecture today. Listen, pal - I don’t give two flat white shites what YOU call morning. In my book, the minute your kecks are soaked in piss then it’s time to pour the cornflakes.

The baby gate has gone! Years of tyranny and oppression are finally behind us. All hail the new age of Freedom!

Another baby gate has arrived! This is BULLSHIT.

We were very late leaving the house this morning and everyone was stressed so it seemed like the perfect time to wheel my huge ice cream cart into the middle of the kitchen and flee the scene. My only regret is that I was already in the car by the time Daddy ran back into the house to grab his lunch and ploughed through it like a wannabe stuntman on work experience. Sounded horrific though lol.

Was told I shouldn’t run into the road as ‘cars may hit me.’ It’s health and safety gone mad.

Those John Lewis Christmas adverts make you think it’s this magical place but let me tell you, it’s the absolute worst gaff to fill your pants. We ended up in their super modern ‘Parent’s Room’ (basically a production line of arse changing mats) and everything’s fine until I decide I’d very much like to continue the shopping trip without any trousers. Mummy says this isn’t really the done thing but I contest this by kicking her in the tit and now we’re in a struggle as she tries to use the appropriate force legally allowed to dress an objectionable toddler as other families wait to use the mats. I manage to get purchase on Mummy’s chin with my foot and somehow push my head off the top end of the mat, knowing that there’s no chance she’ll get those pants on me now. I discoverer there’s a sink next to my mat and now my head is hanging into the bowl so I start faffing about with the tap but it’s only a bastard automatic one isn’t it so the cold water comes on and fucking covers me so I quickly bolt upright to get out the way but twat my head on the tap that’s still pissing water all over me. Put that on your Christmas advert. Pricks.



Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '