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The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old


MONDAY
Was licking the door handle in Costa so Daddy shouted across the shop, ‘I’VE TOLD YOU BEFORE, SON - GET THAT KNOB OUT YOUR MOUTH’ but then instantly covered his mouth like he was trying to push the words back in. Mummy broke down into some weird hysterical laughing fit. Daddy went bright red. I went back to licking the door handle. Everyone was staring. My parents are dickheads.

TUESDAY
Old droopy bollocks gave me the ‘just-because-YOU’RE-awake-doesn’t-mean-it’s-the-morning’ lecture today. Listen, pal - I don’t give two flat white shites what YOU call morning. In my book, the minute your kecks are soaked in piss then it’s time to pour the cornflakes.

WEDNESDAY
The baby gate has gone! Years of tyranny and oppression are finally behind us. All hail the new age of Freedom!

THURSDAY
Another baby gate has arrived! This is BULLSHIT.

FRIDAY
We were very late leaving the house this morning and everyone was stressed so it seemed like the perfect time to wheel my huge ice cream cart into the middle of the kitchen and flee the scene. My only regret is that I was already in the car by the time Daddy ran back into the house to grab his lunch and ploughed through it like a wannabe stuntman on work experience. Sounded horrific though lol.

SATURDAY
Was told I shouldn’t run into the road as ‘cars may hit me.’ It’s health and safety gone mad.

SUNDAY
Those John Lewis Christmas adverts make you think it’s this magical place but let me tell you, it’s the absolute worst gaff to fill your pants. We ended up in their super modern ‘Parent’s Room’ (basically a production line of arse changing mats) and everything’s fine until I decide I’d very much like to continue the shopping trip without any trousers. Mummy says this isn’t really the done thing but I contest this by kicking her in the tit and now we’re in a struggle as she tries to use the appropriate force legally allowed to dress an objectionable toddler as other families wait to use the mats. I manage to get purchase on Mummy’s chin with my foot and somehow push my head off the top end of the mat, knowing that there’s no chance she’ll get those pants on me now. I discoverer there’s a sink next to my mat and now my head is hanging into the bowl so I start faffing about with the tap but it’s only a bastard automatic one isn’t it so the cold water comes on and fucking covers me so I quickly bolt upright to get out the way but twat my head on the tap that’s still pissing water all over me. Put that on your Christmas advert. Pricks.

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