MONDAY
Curled one out during lunch so finished the meal standing
up. Might seem a tad uncouth but three months ago I would’ve just sat down
again and squashed the fresh bumfudge in my undercrackers together like a fecal
flapjack. So, you know, progress.
TUESDAY
Already had a bump on my fod the size of a golf ball and
then went and twatted my head right into the oven. Looked like a fucking
Klingon.
WEDNESDAY
Watched Peppa Pig then ate a ham sandwich. Felt uneasy.
Wasn’t sure why.
THURSDAY
Accidentally slept in till 8.45am. Daddy was dancing all
over the bedroom like a tit and said he felt like ‘Travolta’ who must be some
ancient sleep goddess from nordic times. Anyway, whoever it is he was fucking
annoying with all that energy and happiness and shit. Won’t be doing that
again.
FRIDAY
Some older lad was acting a total scrote down the soft play
this morning with the chaps. He shoved my mate Snotface (don’t know his real
name), lashed a ball at Badly Applied Leaky Nappy Girl (don’t know her real
name) and then ran through the toddler bit terrorising Gareth (real name).
Everyone froze so I sneaked up, picked my nose for a bit, shoved my hand down
my kecks and then touched this big boy’s sandwich. If you don’t want your tuna
butty to taste of stale piss, bogeys and toddler arse then don’t mess with the
under-3 club, fuckface.
SATURDAY
Whipped my pants off at the park and ran round shouting at
everyone like the local pisshead. Mummy made me get dressed. Once again, it’s
one rule for Pando and another rule for the rest of us.
SUNDAY
Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in
a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally
humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It
was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for
mercy. Knobhead.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every
Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad of twins and parent blogger...
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