The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old

MONDAY

Curled one out during lunch so finished the meal standing up. Might seem a tad uncouth but three months ago I would’ve just sat down again and squashed the fresh bumfudge in my undercrackers together like a fecal flapjack. So, you know, progress.

TUESDAY

Already had a bump on my fod the size of a golf ball and then went and twatted my head right into the oven. Looked like a fucking Klingon.

WEDNESDAY

Watched Peppa Pig then ate a ham sandwich. Felt uneasy. Wasn’t sure why.

THURSDAY

Accidentally slept in till 8.45am. Daddy was dancing all over the bedroom like a tit and said he felt like ‘Travolta’ who must be some ancient sleep goddess from nordic times. Anyway, whoever it is he was fucking annoying with all that energy and happiness and shit. Won’t be doing that again.

FRIDAY

Some older lad was acting a total scrote down the soft play this morning with the chaps. He shoved my mate Snotface (don’t know his real name), lashed a ball at Badly Applied Leaky Nappy Girl (don’t know her real name) and then ran through the toddler bit terrorising Gareth (real name). Everyone froze so I sneaked up, picked my nose for a bit, shoved my hand down my kecks and then touched this big boy’s sandwich. If you don’t want your tuna butty to taste of stale piss, bogeys and toddler arse then don’t mess with the under-3 club, fuckface.

SATURDAY

Whipped my pants off at the park and ran round shouting at everyone like the local pisshead. Mummy made me get dressed. Once again, it’s one rule for Pando and another rule for the rest of us.

SUNDAY

Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for mercy. Knobhead.

I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad of twins and parent blogger...

Comments

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Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

Sam Avery

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