The Secret CV of a 2 Year Old

PERSONAL STATEMENT

I am an opinionated little gobshite who is equally arsey working on my own or as part of a team.

I am a results-driven thought leader who won’t let the fact that I’m having a bath get in the way of pushing out a hot turd.

My communication skills are piss poor and I see every task through to it’s conclusion, unless distracted.

I am highly motivated when avoiding naps or causing scenes (AKA ‘making memories’) and the affectionate nickname given to me by my colleagues of ‘The Dictator’ is testament to my ongoing commitment to excellence.

I possess an exquisite ability to shout down everyone else’s suggestions while simultaneously offering none of my own which, I believe, makes me an ideal candidate for middle management.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE

EMPLOYER: My Family

ROLE: Anal Waste Production Executive

DATES: 2015-present

ACHIEVEMENTS: As well as the creation of bum sludge on an industrial scale, it was my responsibility to ensure that my team were fully awake from 5.20am each morning. This was a role I enjoyed and took very seriously, implementing many of my own creative and effective methods.

EMPLOYER: Nursery

ROLE: Tantrum Administrator

2016-present

ACHIEVEMENTS: General havoc, encouraging one kid to eat crayons by telling him it’d “make him shit rainbows.”

QUALIFICATIONS

- National BTEC in Potty Training (currently studying)

GNVQ’s:

- Food Refusal

- Advanced Cuteness

- Creative Stain Creation

- N.U.W.A. (Needless Uncooperation With Adults) *LEVEL 5 DISTINCTION

HOBBIES / INTERESTS

Reading (the same book over and over)

Watching Bing

Stating my clear ownership of objects

REFERENCES

Mummy

Daddy

Mr Tumble

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I post a new blog to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I've written a book called 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' and I'm also on Instagram @thelearnerparent

Comments

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

Sam Avery

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