The Secret CV of a 2 Year Old

PERSONAL STATEMENT

I am an opinionated little gobshite who is equally arsey working on my own or as part of a team.

I am a results-driven thought leader who won’t let the fact that I’m having a bath get in the way of pushing out a hot turd.

My communication skills are piss poor and I see every task through to it’s conclusion, unless distracted.

I am highly motivated when avoiding naps or causing scenes (AKA ‘making memories’) and the affectionate nickname given to me by my colleagues of ‘The Dictator’ is testament to my ongoing commitment to excellence.

I possess an exquisite ability to shout down everyone else’s suggestions while simultaneously offering none of my own which, I believe, makes me an ideal candidate for middle management.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE

EMPLOYER: My Family

ROLE: Anal Waste Production Executive

DATES: 2015-present

ACHIEVEMENTS: As well as the creation of bum sludge on an industrial scale, it was my responsibility to ensure that my team were fully awake from 5.20am each morning. This was a role I enjoyed and took very seriously, implementing many of my own creative and effective methods.

EMPLOYER: Nursery

ROLE: Tantrum Administrator

2016-present

ACHIEVEMENTS: General havoc, encouraging one kid to eat crayons by telling him it’d “make him shit rainbows.”

QUALIFICATIONS

- National BTEC in Potty Training (currently studying)

GNVQ’s:

- Food Refusal

- Advanced Cuteness

- Creative Stain Creation

- N.U.W.A. (Needless Uncooperation With Adults) *LEVEL 5 DISTINCTION

HOBBIES / INTERESTS

Reading (the same book over and over)

Watching Bing

Stating my clear ownership of objects

REFERENCES

Mummy

Daddy

Mr Tumble

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I post a new blog to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I've written a book called 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' and I'm also on Instagram @thelearnerparent

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