Skip to main content

#42: The 15 Types of Baby Puke

I’ve been in loads of pukey situations in my life – lads holidays, rugby tours, choppy boat trips. I even once watched a Celine Dion DVD. But I have never experienced a variety of puking as diverse as since my twins were born.

1.The Seagull
They’ve only just fed but you can’t resist holding them aloft like Superman. It’s so cute! Until on the third swoop they vomit like a drain all over your face. You’re an idiot and you deserve every drop.

2.The Snail Trail
Moves down your back slower than a Child Benefit back-payment, leaving a nasty stream behind it. Normally starts on your shoulder and can end anywhere as low as your calf or ankle.

3.The Low Blow
Puke all over your crotch. Easily the worst place to have a visible stain so you can guarantee this will only happen in Starbucks.

4.The Fangs
Two dribbles, one each side of the mouth. You feed them. You look away. You look back and they’ve turned into baby Dracula.

5.The Beppe
Similar to The Fangs but with an extra line of puke down the centre of the chin. Causing a resemblance with the godawful goatee beard of lesser-known and long forgotten Eastenders character Beppe di Marco. 

6.The Shotgun
A puke with such vociferous force it pushes their head back from the blast. Normally resulting in a mess of such Biblical proportions that you’ll need to get Greenpeace in for the clean-up operation.

7.The Nike Swoosh.
Just Wipe It.

8.The Epilets
A couple of symmetrical attacks that land on the top of your shoulders, giving you the grand title of Sergeant Spew for the rest of the day.

9.The Satellite Delay
It was a textbook feed. If there was a Nobel Prize for guzzling your baby would definitely be in the running. Puke free burps all round – a beautiful thing. You dress them and still nothing. You get them in their car seat and BOOM! You’ll never wear those suede shoes again.

10.The Ghostbusters
When your little bundle of joy decides to pay tribute to the final scene of the classic 1985 movie (when Mr Staypuft The Marshmallow Man explodes and covers most of Manhattan in a gooey white substance.) Also see: ‘He Slimed Me’ as a popular expression from victims.

11.The Channel 5
As in ‘not quite complete coverage’ but there or thereabouts. This joke doesn’t even work in the age of digital TV so thanks in advance for not bringing that up.

12.The Parcel Force
When you can’t possibly predict when or where the barf-delivery will arrive, despite information to the contrary.

13.The Madonna
When their pukey conduct necessitates several full costume changes.

14.The Banksy (Multiples only)
Some call it art. Some call it vandalism. And nobody knows who really did it.

15.The Stealth
You’ve fed and winded them. You’ve put them down for a nap and you’ve moved on with your life. Your friend has popped round and you’ve made them a brew. You’ve both sat down and somehow they’ve now got a thimble full of vomit on the back of their new jumper. Do you tell them? Or do you prove where your baby inherited their sneakiness from?


Kevin Nguyen said…
I really love your family blog. That's so awesome that i can find it. Thanks.
nguyenhuong said…
Thanks for sharing, nice post!

Giúp các mẹ giải đáp thắc mắc cách trị giun kim ở trẻ em không hay trẻ bị ho thì trẻ mấy tuổi thì tẩy giun hay trẻ bị viêm phế quản với trẻ 5 tháng tuổi biết làm gì như thế nào hay trẻ mấy tháng mọc răng có tốt cho trẻ không hay bổ sung vitamin d cho trẻ sơ sinh bật máy lạnh máy quạt hay không hay thực phẩm giàu sắt hay có nên cho trẻ ngồi xe tập đi hay cách chữa nấc cho trẻ sơ sinh không bật đèn sáng thì có nên băng rốn cho trẻ sơ sinh khi ngủ hay bé 9 tháng chưa mọc răng bằng mật ông hiệu quả hay có nên dùng miếng dán hạ sốt cho trẻ hay không hay ngậm vú giả trẻ em thì tham khảo có nên cho trẻ ăn nước xương hầm hay không hay có nên nêm gia vị cho bé ăn dặm hay không hay mua hàng giá rẻ trực tuyến trên ebay thì tham khảo mua hàng trên ebay hay cháo hạt sen ngon cho trẻ với cháo hạt sen cho bé tốt nhất ăn dặm hay sóng wifi có ảnh hưởng đến trẻ sơ sinh không hay nao tre ko hay trẻ chậm mọc răng phải làm sao có sao không hay trẻ 5 tháng tuổi ăn được hoa quả gì có sao không.

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu