I’ve been in loads of pukey situations in my life – lads holidays,
rugby tours, choppy boat trips. I even once watched a Celine Dion DVD. But I
have never experienced a variety of puking as diverse as since my twins were born.
1.The Seagull
They’ve only
just fed but you can’t resist holding them aloft like Superman. It’s so cute!
Until on the third swoop they vomit like a drain all over your face. You’re an
idiot and you deserve every drop.
2.The Snail Trail
Moves down your back slower than a Child Benefit back-payment, leaving a nasty stream behind it. Normally starts on your shoulder and can end anywhere as low as your calf or ankle.
3.The Low Blow
Puke all over your crotch. Easily the worst place to have a visible stain so you can guarantee this will only happen in Starbucks.
4.The Fangs
Two dribbles, one each side of the mouth. You feed them. You look away. You look back and they’ve turned into baby Dracula.
5.The Beppe
6.The Shotgun
A puke with
such vociferous force it pushes their head back from the blast. Normally
resulting in a mess of such Biblical proportions that you’ll need to get
Greenpeace in for the clean-up operation.
7.The Nike Swoosh.
Just Wipe It.
8.The Epilets
A couple of
symmetrical attacks that land on the top of your shoulders, giving you the
grand title of Sergeant Spew for the rest of the day.
9.The Satellite Delay
It was a textbook feed. If there was a Nobel Prize for guzzling your baby would definitely be in the running. Puke free burps all round – a beautiful thing. You dress them and still nothing. You get them in their car seat and BOOM! You’ll never wear those suede shoes again.
10.The Ghostbusters
When your
little bundle of joy decides to pay tribute to the final scene of the classic
1985 movie (when Mr Staypuft The Marshmallow Man explodes and covers most of
Manhattan in a gooey white substance.) Also see: ‘He Slimed Me’ as a popular
expression from victims.
11.The Channel 5
As in ‘not
quite complete coverage’ but there or thereabouts. This joke doesn’t even work
in the age of digital TV so thanks in advance for not bringing that up.
12.The Parcel Force
When you can’t
possibly predict when or where the barf-delivery will arrive, despite
information to the contrary.
13.The Madonna
When their
pukey conduct necessitates several full costume changes.
14.The Banksy (Multiples only)
Some call it
art. Some call it vandalism. And nobody knows who really did it.
15.The Stealth
You’ve fed
and winded them. You’ve put them down for a nap and you’ve moved on with your
life. Your friend has popped round and you’ve made them a brew. You’ve both sat
down and somehow they’ve now got a thimble full of vomit on the back of their
new jumper. Do you tell them? Or do you prove where your baby inherited their
sneakiness from?
Comments
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