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#42: The 15 Types of Baby Puke

I’ve been in loads of pukey situations in my life – lads holidays, rugby tours, choppy boat trips. I even once watched a Celine Dion DVD. But I have never experienced a variety of puking as diverse as since my twins were born.

1.The Seagull
They’ve only just fed but you can’t resist holding them aloft like Superman. It’s so cute! Until on the third swoop they vomit like a drain all over your face. You’re an idiot and you deserve every drop.

2.The Snail Trail
Moves down your back slower than a Child Benefit back-payment, leaving a nasty stream behind it. Normally starts on your shoulder and can end anywhere as low as your calf or ankle.

3.The Low Blow
Puke all over your crotch. Easily the worst place to have a visible stain so you can guarantee this will only happen in Starbucks.

4.The Fangs
Two dribbles, one each side of the mouth. You feed them. You look away. You look back and they’ve turned into baby Dracula.

5.The Beppe
Similar to The Fangs but with an extra line of puke down the centre of the chin. Causing a resemblance with the godawful goatee beard of lesser-known and long forgotten Eastenders character Beppe di Marco. 

6.The Shotgun
A puke with such vociferous force it pushes their head back from the blast. Normally resulting in a mess of such Biblical proportions that you’ll need to get Greenpeace in for the clean-up operation.

7.The Nike Swoosh.
Just Wipe It.

8.The Epilets
A couple of symmetrical attacks that land on the top of your shoulders, giving you the grand title of Sergeant Spew for the rest of the day.

9.The Satellite Delay
It was a textbook feed. If there was a Nobel Prize for guzzling your baby would definitely be in the running. Puke free burps all round – a beautiful thing. You dress them and still nothing. You get them in their car seat and BOOM! You’ll never wear those suede shoes again.

10.The Ghostbusters
When your little bundle of joy decides to pay tribute to the final scene of the classic 1985 movie (when Mr Staypuft The Marshmallow Man explodes and covers most of Manhattan in a gooey white substance.) Also see: ‘He Slimed Me’ as a popular expression from victims.

11.The Channel 5
As in ‘not quite complete coverage’ but there or thereabouts. This joke doesn’t even work in the age of digital TV so thanks in advance for not bringing that up.

12.The Parcel Force
When you can’t possibly predict when or where the barf-delivery will arrive, despite information to the contrary.

13.The Madonna
When their pukey conduct necessitates several full costume changes.

14.The Banksy (Multiples only)
Some call it art. Some call it vandalism. And nobody knows who really did it.

15.The Stealth
You’ve fed and winded them. You’ve put them down for a nap and you’ve moved on with your life. Your friend has popped round and you’ve made them a brew. You’ve both sat down and somehow they’ve now got a thimble full of vomit on the back of their new jumper. Do you tell them? Or do you prove where your baby inherited their sneakiness from?


nguyenhuong said…
Thanks for sharing, nice post!

Giúp các mẹ giải đáp thắc mắc cách trị giun kim ở trẻ em không hay trẻ bị ho thì trẻ mấy tuổi thì tẩy giun hay trẻ bị viêm phế quản với trẻ 5 tháng tuổi biết làm gì như thế nào hay trẻ mấy tháng mọc răng có tốt cho trẻ không hay bổ sung vitamin d cho trẻ sơ sinh bật máy lạnh máy quạt hay không hay thực phẩm giàu sắt hay có nên cho trẻ ngồi xe tập đi hay cách chữa nấc cho trẻ sơ sinh không bật đèn sáng thì có nên băng rốn cho trẻ sơ sinh khi ngủ hay bé 9 tháng chưa mọc răng bằng mật ông hiệu quả hay có nên dùng miếng dán hạ sốt cho trẻ hay không hay ngậm vú giả trẻ em thì tham khảo có nên cho trẻ ăn nước xương hầm hay không hay có nên nêm gia vị cho bé ăn dặm hay không hay mua hàng giá rẻ trực tuyến trên ebay thì tham khảo mua hàng trên ebay hay cháo hạt sen ngon cho trẻ với cháo hạt sen cho bé tốt nhất ăn dặm hay sóng wifi có ảnh hưởng đến trẻ sơ sinh không hay nao tre ko hay trẻ chậm mọc răng phải làm sao có sao không hay trẻ 5 tháng tuổi ăn được hoa quả gì có sao không.

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