Skip to main content

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#10)

(Read #9 here)

1.When your baby cries because they’re tired it’s very tempting to join in.

2.The next complete stranger to ask how my twins were conceived is getting slapped.

3.Our laundry basket is like an endlessly erupting linen volcano.

4.Your baby suddenly opening their eyes as you creep in to kiss them goodnight is scarier than any horror movie villain.

5.Even hearing your child scream suddenly from the next room still doesn’t make it any easier to stop a wee in full flow.

6.You know you’re tired when a sex scene comes on the TV and you think, ‘ooh…that bed looks comfy...’

7.If burglars broke into our house I’d only notice when they inevitably couldn’t find their way out of the mess and had to shout for help.

8.My boys would rather have their bums wiped with sandpaper than their faces cleaned with a wet wipe.

9.Small muslin cloths are less than pointless.

10.After writing several posts about your babies puking, pooing and dribbling on your couch, it’s not advisable to then share a friend’s Gumtree advert for their unrelated sofa as people will quite rightly assume it’s yours and not fit for purpose.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 
Labels:

Comments

Anonymous said…
Duramantan enables tag heuer replica sale colours to become utilized, however just one colour for each every whole area. Colormantan is perfect for the greater innovative personalization as well as enables a lot more hublot replica masterpieces. As the instance pictures associated with Rolex wrist watches using the Colormantan remedy has a rolex replica sale to display squared regions of colour, the truth is, there isn't any specific geomerolex replica saletric or even form limitations, and also the customer may choose pretty much exactly what they need, in the event that all of us realize Rau-Tech properly. Why We therefore fired up through this particular. Nicely, for that greatest rolex replica films happen to be limited by just a couple darkish colours that are mainly dark as well as grey. Should you desired the steel view covered along with an additional colour, it might frequently have to be anodized light weight aluminum, the industry replica watches sale gentle steel and never because long lasting because metal.
28 March 2017 at 10:44
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi
Post a Comment
Read more

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b
Post a Comment
Read more