1.When your baby cries because they’re tired it’s very tempting to join in.
2.The next complete stranger to ask how my twins were conceived is getting slapped.
3.Our laundry basket is like an endlessly erupting linen volcano.
4.Your baby suddenly opening their eyes as you creep in to kiss them goodnight is scarier than any horror movie villain.
5.Even hearing your child scream suddenly from the next room still doesn’t make it any easier to stop a wee in full flow.
6.You know you’re tired when a sex scene comes on the TV and you think, ‘ooh…that bed looks comfy...’
7.If burglars broke into our house I’d only notice when they inevitably couldn’t find their way out of the mess and had to shout for help.
8.My boys would rather have their bums wiped with sandpaper than their faces cleaned with a wet wipe.
9.Small muslin cloths are less than pointless.
10.After writing several posts about your babies puking, pooing and dribbling on your couch, it’s not advisable to then share a friend’s Gumtree advert for their unrelated sofa as people will quite rightly assume it’s yours and not fit for purpose.
I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page)