10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#7)

1.I don’t care that the daughter of your friend’s sister had twins. I’m just a man in Asda trying to buy milk.

2.Walking round in public with baby sick stains on your crotch is only acceptable if people see you’re with a baby, otherwise you’re just a weirdo.

3.Your baby pooing in the bath stops being funny after the 11th time.

4.Until you’ve put a four-day old soiled muslin cloth to your nose to check if it’s clean you have no idea what the phrase ‘rank smell’ means. No idea at all.

5.Pureed roast dinners are well nice.

6.On the right day, after the wrong night, running out of coffee can make you want to weep uncontrollably.

7.Imitating your son’s ‘Poo Stare’ will scare your wife more than any trick or treaters.

8.A baby that won’t nap is more stubborn than the last bit of ketchup in the jar.

9.Making my 7 month old twins laugh uncontrollably with a silly noise feels better than making 500 strangers laugh with a crafted routine.

10.Some parents want their kids to go to a redbrick university or take over the family business. I just want mine to stop emptying their arses all over the sofa.

(Read #8 here)

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page)

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10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

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Sam Avery

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