1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT.
You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pyjamas.
Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do.
2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST
This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have fucked off in a sports car together like Thelma and Louise.
You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are.
You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes.
Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes.
3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN YOUR CHILD PUKES ON THEM
Baby is playing.
Baby is bouncing.
Baby is smiling.
Baby is puking.
Duvet is ruined.
Parent is tired.
Duvet is dabbed with a wet wipe.
Parent is satisfied that's classed as washing.
4. YOU WILL NOT LET BABY NAP ON THE SOFA
They've had it too good for too long. They need to learn that the sofa is for sitting and the cot is for napping.
Except your favourite programme is on and they're sleeping like a log that just got a new onesie.
You've woken a napping baby before and it was like an out-take from the Exorcist. Sod it. Let sleeping babies lie.
You can start properly tomorrow.
5. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE WEARING ONLY CLEAN CLOTHES
This is as likely as Adele singing about a happy ending. (Of course by which I don’t mean one of the ‘extras’ in a seedy Soho massage parlour.)
Your criteria for choosing clothes used to be, 'OOH, WHAT WOULD I LOOK NICE IN TODAY?'
After your baby was born it became, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON?'
A few months of parenthood down the line it evolved into, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON THE CROTCH?'
Let’s be honest, nowadays you open the wardrobe and go, ‘AH FUCK IT. YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THAT PUKE IF I KEEP MY HAND THERE.'
I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. Follow my blog by liking my Facebook page.