The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Wanted to learn some new swear words. Hid Daddy’s car keys. Bingo.

TUESDAY
Mummy told me off for twanging my willie like a dirty trouser banjo in Asda. But she never mentioned Tesco so I whipped out the sweet-meat for a virtuoso cock solo in the bread aisle that forced her to smother my nether regions with a brioche loaf. #makingmemories

WEDNESDAY
Daddy needs to buck his ideas up when wiping my arse. Nevermind my crazy post-dump yoga moves, he’s too experienced to be smearing it up my back like that.

THURSDAY
If Bedtime Avoidance was an Olympic sport I’d have a Nike sponsorship by now. Tonight’s delaying tactics included 2 drinks, 1 poo (phantom), 1 poo (real) and 7 tuck-in requests. I’m world class.

FRIDAY
Made a new friend today. A true pal. I never caught her name or indeed had any interaction with her whatsoever, but I sobbed when we had to leave both the park, and indeed, all our good times behind. I swore to myself I’d never forget her but if I’m honest, I stopped giving a fuck by the time we got to the main path.

SATURDAY
I’m definitely gonna be an astronaut. That or Batman. I’ve already got the relevant pyjamas.

SUNDAY
Was pondering life today. The infinite wonder of being and the sheer joy of being alive in this precise moment in our small corner of the universe. I was just beginning to surrender to the moment, let go of what was and have faith in what will be, when I fell off the bog and twatted my head on the sink. Bastard.

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Comments

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q...

The Time I Embarrassed Myself on a Bouncy Castle

Kids love bouncy castles. And why not? They’re bouncy and unpredictable, like Kanye West on a pogo stick. But just like Calpol, crayons and eating your own bogeys, the allure of the bouncy castle tends to dissipate as we reach adulthood. I’m not someone who lists ‘castle bouncing’ as a hobby these days. My kids, on the other hand, love a good bouncy castle. The bouncier the better. The only thing they love more than a GOOD bouncy castle is a REALLY BAD bouncy castle. Especially those ones that haven’t undergone a decent risk assessment since mullets were cool. In fact, the more dubious the health and safety standards appear to a casual bystander, the more keen my kids are to dive on headfirst and find the hazards. So. We’re at a farm park. We’re enjoying the standard parental farm park experience - the kids are interested in everything EXCEPT the very farm animals that we just paid a whopping £37.50 to visit. (BTW - My son’s favourite animal at Chester Zoo was ...

Sam Avery

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