The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY
Fell full length onto a big xylophone at the toy shop which made a ridiculous noise. Everyone laughed (including the staff) even though it definitely wasn’t funny. Couldn’t get up properly so sprawled across all of the notes several times, accidentally composing my very own knobhead concerto. Big People acted like they were all concerned but I could tell those pricks were laughing behind their hands.

TUESDAY
Daddy lectured me this morning on the importance of vigilance, aim and alertness when attempting a stand up wee. Bit rich coming from the man who pisses like someone holding a watering can on a bouncy castle.

WEDNESDAY
Finally mastered saying sorry really sarcastically. Not only does this style of delivery conclude the latest misdemeanour I’ve committed but it also simultaneously states to my victim: ‘Hey, tit-sweat - I don’t actually give a single fuck about you OR your precious feelings and I would gladly do it all again at the drop of a Harley’s Rusk.’ A powerful tool.

THURSDAY
Was getting tucked in for bed. Told Daddy I needed a poo. He doubted my claim and went downstairs. HE WILL NOT DOUBT ME AGAIN. That poor duvet looked like it was sponsored by Bisto.

FRIDAY
Mummy thought I was crying because I had water in my eyes. Pay attention, woman! I was crying because you were washing my face and I’d just pissed in the bath!

SATURDAY
Made clear I didn’t want the rest of my apple. Daddy threw it in the bin. Cried because my apple was in the bin.

SUNDAY
Gutted about the World Cup Final. Had Croatia in the nursery sweepstake.

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Comments

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu...

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q...

Sam Avery

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