The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 28)

MONDAY

Discovered a great new game today called 'Keep Throwing Everything On The Floor Repeatedly For Ages'. (Needs a snappier title but you get the drift.) Big people joined in too. They kept picking everything up so I could keep playing.

TUESDAY

Reprogrammed the washing machine today. Mid-wash. Fuck knows what I did but it’s not working now. Tried to fix it for them but they wouldn’t let me near the thing.

WEDNESDAY

Had a great time ripping up my best books. Totally wrecked three of my favourite ones. Got told off by Mummy. Tried to blame the books. Didn’t work. Felt guilty. Mummy left room. Continued ripping books.

THURSDAY

Had hold of my Peppa Pig doll during a nappy change. Kept me distracted for a while until I grinded her face right into the filth. Big people went nuts and took her away. Really confusing. I thought she liked muddy puddles.

FRIDAY

The food round here is terrible. And the big people are full of shit - they keep saying it's 'lovely' as they tuck into something completely different. Hypocrites.

SATURDAY

Decided to throw my head to the side just as I was carried through a doorway. Hit my head on the frame. Cried for ages. Some of my life choices really are abysmal.

SUNDAY

I wish they’d stop asking me what’s up when I’m crying. You wouldn’t understand, man. It’s a toddler thing. Sort your own problems out.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...follow me on Twitter or Instagram...)

Comments

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Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

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Sam Avery

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