The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY

Hottest day of the year so Daddy left my rancid nappy in the car all day with the windows closed. Mummy opened the door and had to fight back tears as we were hit with a stench so unspeakably foul that many insurance brokers would have considered the vehicle a complete write-off. Daddy remarked how the car had become ‘a giant Dutch oven’ which has totally put me off visiting the Netherlands.

TUESDAY

Gonna set up a Trip Advisor site for baby change facilities. Some of those places need a good old fashioned rinsing - primarily with hot water, but also via angry, misspelt online comments.

WEDNESDAY

I’ve been told to prepare for potty training. They’ve been told to prepare to play fecal hopscotch across the kitchen every morning.

THURSDAY

Curled one out into the potty and everyone cheered. The big-match atmosphere inspired me to jump up and bend straight over for cleaning but I got my angles wrong like a goalie who’s misjudged a corner and somehow managed to brush my forehead across the freshly laid arse-cable.

FRIDAY

First swimming lesson. Cried for all of it except the last 2 minutes when I really found my groove and then they told me it was time to get out so started crying again. BUNCH OF AQUA-BASTARDS.

SATURDAY

Just because I fall over in a highly comical manner that clearly doesn’t cause me any physical harm, is there any need for the Big People to stifle laughter as they console me? Have some humanity for Tumble’s sake.

SUNDAY

I’m obnoxious at times and reprehensible at others. My manners don’t exist and I regularly soil myself and those closest to me. I also slap. Randomly and without prejudice. Bloody good job I’m cute, huh?

I'm doing a UK tour this Autumn! Click here for tickets.

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We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waf...

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Sam Avery

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