10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids.

2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous.

3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days.

4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026.

5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number.

6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested.

7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake.

8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late.

9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son.

10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them.

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Comments

Renee Christel Rispin said…

When The Furchester Hotel comes on its more like, Welcome....to the SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT... That theme songs just reminds me I'm late for work and the baby is still not dressed in his jumperoo.

Renee @peonieandme x

2 May 2016 at 12:25

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

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#30: The 12 Different Types of Nappy

Opening your baby’s nappy is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get and you’ll probably end up with sticky fingers. My twin boys are 10 weeks old and these are the 12 types of nappy I’ve encountered so far. (If you’re eating your dinner I recommend reading this a bit later on.) 1.The Leak (AKA The Pooseidon Adventure ) It’s everywhere except in the nappy itself. Worse still, it’s leaving a trail. If Hansel and Gretel had a leaking baby with them the story would’ve ended happily. This type makes me actually doubt gravity. How can something that goes down end up on their shoulder? If it wasn't so gross you'd stand up and applaud. Unfortunately you can’t even enjoy the irony of removing a sleepsuit with bum juice up the back and ‘Too Cute’ across the front. (There are many causes of The Leak , one of which I covered in it’s full gory detail here. ) 2.The Tardis (AKA The Turdis , The Doctor Poo ) This is when the amount of was...

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My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

Sam Avery

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