Skip to main content

My First Jog Since the Twins Were Born

*stands in the kitchen in my running gear*

Christ, these shorts are tight. Feel like Daisy Duke. Need to sort a playlist first. Rage Against the Machine? Too rocky.

Rocky?

Ah, the Rocky soundtrack. Never fails. I can feel the calories burning off already.

*spends 20 minutes building a playlist*

Where are my running shoes? This house is a shithole, I’m surprised we haven’t misplaced one of the kids yet. When did I last wear them? Feel like I’ve not exercised since puberty.

As usual, they’re in the porch. And yes, they stink. No surprise there. Smell like cheesy puffs. That porch is filled with spiders, I bet they’ve all crawled into my shoes. Little bastards.

*puts shoes on in*

Bloody hell. I’m knackered. Arthritic hippos move with more grace than me. Shall I not bother?

No, I’ve got to do this. I’m growing tits here. Best do some stretches first. Although you’re not supposed to stretch cold muscles are you? But I have just run down the stairs so I’m sure it’ll be fine.

*does some stretches*

Christ, this is hard work. My buttocks feel weird. Is that a good thing? Probably not but can’t put this off any longer. The time is now.

I’ll just download that running app.

*downloads app, checks Twitter, goes on Facebook for ten mins*

Okay - headphones on. Music playing. Out into the night air I go. Friggin hell it’s cold. Suddenly very aware of my nipples.

Let’s start off slowly, build to a mediocre pace before finishing with a brisk walk.

*dramatically goes over on ankle*

FRIGGGGINNNNELLLL!

Christ that hurt. Bollocks. I’ve been out the house 10 seconds and I’m injured already. Surely this is fate telling me to go home.

I could just walk round the block actually. Perfect excuse to go home, this.

But you’re outside now, let’s give it a go. Turn the music up and get moving, come on.

*Eye of the Tiger plays loudly through headphones*

Wow. I feel fantastic. I’m gliding across the floor. I’m in the zone, man. Maybe my fitness isn’t so bad after all. I have been running around with the babies after all, and pushing that pram must count for something.

I should do this every day. Imagine how good I’d feel then?

*dog runs across road and tries to attack me*

FOR FUCKS SAKE WHAT IS HAPPENNING?! 

Just stand still. They’ll go away. They can’t see you if you don’t move. Hang on, it’s a Poodle, not a T-Rex. Maybe they’re chasing the smell from my running shoes. This has been a terrible idea.

Don’t smile at me, control your fucking dog! Oh he’s ‘just playing’ is he? Well that makes everything fine, doesn’t it? Next time I fancy waltzing into the greengrocers and punching a few people in the neck I’ll explain to the police that I’m ‘just playing’ shall I?

Dick.

Although that’s given me a fair old adrenalin rush that. They should use dog attacks to scare long distance runners into world records.

Getting a decent pace here. Maybe I should join a running club. Do this regularly. Competitively, even. I love it.

*hits the bottom of a slight incline*

OH. MY. GOD. I’M. DYING. Can you catch asthma?

I must have done two miles though.

*checks running app*

0.6 miles? Bloody hell. That can’t be right. Need to get this phone looked at. Maybe I ran at 88 mph and went back in time?

Think I’ll just head back. There’s that dog again, better cross the road.

At least I’ve done it now and let’s face it, it can’t get any worse.

*car drives past through big muddy puddle and soaks me*

Comments

Also, if you have a home office a Rolex Wall Clock would really adorn the wall. I especially like replica watches sale the models Daytona wall clock in black and red and also the classic Submariner wall clock in buy replica watches black and gold. I’m also really hooked on the Hublot wall clock in black and grey.

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b