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10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#31)

1.A fussy baby will scowl at their food like a Princess who's just been handed a sausage roll.

2.Getting that baby to eat said food requires tactics more complex than those needed to win the World Chess Championships.

3.Toys that make noise and don't have an 'off' button can get to fuck. (The people who designed them that way should have to explain themselves.)

4.It will be a momentous day when my boys realise you don't HAVE to throw everything you don't currently want or need on the floor.

5.If you sing 'Wheels on the Bus' to distract your baby every time you wipe their face, they'll ultimately associate that song with discomfort and scream louder than Axl Rose caught in his flies every time you launch into a rendition.

6.It's no wonder babies freak out at bedtime - as well as crying they can often hear their own sobs coming back at them via a small speaker system in the next room.

7.Getting both twins dressed on your own after a bath is like a WWE Royal Rumble.

8.When your outside bin is full before collection date, it changes you as a person. This week I rolled around our street in the dark, sneaking shite into neighbours bins like a homeless ninja.

9.If my thought process pre-kids was fibre-optic broadband, nowadays it's more like 1998 dial-up.

10.Despite all the above, I wouldn't change a single thing.

(Please vote for me in the 'Best New Blog' and 'Best Baby Blog' categories in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 - I've made the final shortlist and need your votes! Click here. )

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