10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#18)

1.Wiping the arse of a wriggling baby should be an Olympic sport.

2.It takes 1.5 hours to tidy our house but a mere 37 seconds to untidy it.

3.Our washing machine is more overworked than a Victorian pit pony.

4.I have no idea what me and my wife had conversations about before the kids were born.

5.Dribble rash is minging.

6.If one of our twins keeps rolling about like this he'll be applying for a travel visa before the summer.

7.It's far too easy to sit on the baby monitor microphone, hear an almighty noise come through the receiver from the next room, not realise this has been caused by your own clumsy derrière and thus assume you're being burgled. (This is also a great way to get the exact temperature of your buttocks.)

8.It's possible for next door's dog to bark so loud outside your baby's window you'll be convinced your child is part-wolf.

9.New kitchen cleaning products excite me more now than new music. FML.

10.We've passed more germs back and forth in our house this week than a game of spin the bottle at a VD clinic.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

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