Sam Avery

MONDAY Managed to blag my way into the Big People’s bed. Spent half the night administering cock-punches and vag-kicks. Doubt I’ll be asked back. TUESDAY Fell over in a ridiculous fashion that lasted 15 seconds and obviously didn’t hurt in the slightest. It was clearly hilarious but I was still very disappointed in Mummy when she started laughing. WEDNESDAY Daddy took me the museum. They had an extensive collection of archaeology and the natural and physical sciences. But mainly, there was a big fuck-off ramp near the bogs. THURSDAY Daddy shouted at me today. He never normally shouts so he apologised straight away and looked a bit sad. I told him not to worry as sometimes I can be a right little obnoxious turd and actually, all things considered, he’s pretty patient actually. FRIDAY I always seem to be carrying one thing too many which makes me drop absolutely everything. Then I start picking everything up but that one extra thing makes me drop everything a...

*ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS AS DRONE CAMERA FOOTAGE PANS THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE. WE SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION IN THE HALLWAY. THE TV IS BLASTING ACROSS THE EMPTY LOUNGE. BISCUIT CRUMBS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS THE SOFA. COUNTLESS STAINS ARE VISIBLE ON THE CARPET* VOICEOVER: To the untrained eye, this modest property is merely a run-of-the-mill suburban dwelling. But these crude crayon etchings across the wall tell a very different story. For this house is one filled to the brim with conflict, dispute and illogical misunderstandings. This house, is the home of toddlers. *CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LYING ON KITCHEN FLOOR KICKING LEGS AND REFUSING TO LET GO OF A SPATULA* VOICEOVER: And no other life form on the planet is as thoroughly uncooperative as the human toddler. *SHOT OF CHILD SAYING NO TO A DRINK THEN YELLING WHEN THEY AREN’T GIVEN ONE. THEN LOSING THE PLOT WHEN GIVEN ONE IN WRONG CUP* *CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN* VOICEOVER: Here we see th...

1. EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Much less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this one, kids. That's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, everyone! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is a real earworm isn’t it? Catchier than Ebola. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit actually. Like those Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that SHITTING SONG. I can't think straight. I swear I heard it in my sleep last night.   This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't even hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fucking thing. As soon ...

This went up on my FB page back in August...I'm still playing catch-up with posting all my blogs onto this site... MONDAY The Big People never used to let me have anything back from the floor without washing and sterilising the shite out of it but today I dropped some baked beans and Daddy just scooped the little bastards up with his fingers and slopped them right back onto my plate. Listen, bollock breath - I’ve got no problem with eating stuff straight off the kitchen lino but for Tumble’s sake don’t use those same grotty fingers that you’ve been peeling dried kack from my arse with for the last week. UGH. TUESDAY Mummy let me run round the garden with no clothes on so to say thanks I treated her to a lovely cuddle and some hot piss down her jeans. WEDNESDAY Ate a sandwich with a fork today. How have I never done this before?! Sometimes things just feel right. THURSDAY I really need to stop saying no to everything all the time. Obviously it still need...

I'm doing a book signing and Q&A at Waterstones in Liverpool One this Thursday 19th Oct, 6.30pm. Tickets are just £3 and available here. I look forward to meeting some of you! Sam x

MONDAY I specifically asked for beans WITH toast and they gave me beans ON toast. Pricks. Then they wheeled out that trademark backtracking bullshit that the toast was unscathed (even though it was dripping in depraved bean juice) and that the beans were also fine (even though they’d been polluted to high buggery by that disgusting toast). Both items are quite lovely on their own but put them together and they become the stuff of nightmares, l ike Mummy with wine. TUESDAY On the packed bus this morning I pointed directly at the large lady next to us and shouted MOO-COW dead loud. Mummy went bright red and told me to shush but this woman clearly had a picture of a moo-cow on her bag so I’m not sure what all the commotion was about to be honest. WEDNESDAY Was messing about in bed tonight and Daddy told me to stop but I carried on jumping up and down with my blanket over my head while pretending to be a zoo. At this point he’d normally threaten to send me to bed but I was already ...

MONDAY Kicked off big style after bathtime so they sat me on the naughty step. Had no pants on so made a political statement by emptying my arse all over it.  # fuckthepolice TUESDAY It’s simply not enough that I have all the toys I want. Other people must also have toys. Not necessarily the toys they actually want but the toys that I want them to have. And this can change dramatically at any moment for absolutely no reason so keep the fuck up, bozos. WEDNESDAY I wish everyone would stop telling me I can’t do stuff. It does my little tits in. THURSDAY Back on the naughty step today. I really don’t understand how the good old fashioned bottom step is now suddenly the naughty step? It’s a joke really as it’s the very same step that Daddy sits on to tie his shoelaces and he never screams, sobs and then reluctantly apologises before he gets up like I have to. FRIDAY Some little girl at the park had thrown her hat on the floor and her Mummy was telling her to pick it up but ...