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The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (part 52)

This went up on my FB page back in August...I'm still playing catch-up with posting all my blogs onto this site...

The Big People never used to let me have anything back from the floor without washing and sterilising the shite out of it but today I dropped some baked beans and Daddy just scooped the little bastards up with his fingers and slopped them right back onto my plate. Listen, bollock breath - I’ve got no problem with eating stuff straight off the kitchen lino but for Tumble’s sake don’t use those same grotty fingers that you’ve been peeling dried kack from my arse with for the last week. UGH.

Mummy let me run round the garden with no clothes on so to say thanks I treated her to a lovely cuddle and some hot piss down her jeans.

Ate a sandwich with a fork today. How have I never done this before?! Sometimes things just feel right.

I really need to stop saying no to everything all the time. Obviously it still needs to be said (or shouted) if the Big People are asking me to do something absolutely ridiculous like go to bed or stop drawing on the curtains but today I stood on one of my favourite talking books and it chirped ‘I’M A FRIENDLY BADGER!’ at me and I barked ‘NO!’ right back at it which was totally undeserved because he’s a cracking lad and one of the friendliest badgers I've ever met. Make no mistake, the atmosphere was pretty tense in the playroom after that.

Saw two kids fighting over a toy. Pathetic. You won’t catch me getting embroiled in petty squabbles like that.

Had a fight over a toy today. It wasn’t my fault - some kid picked up the bucket that I’d emphatically discarded by lashing it across the room so I had no choice but to snatch it back off him while babbling incoherent threats.

Absolute scenes at breakfast. There was mass confusion over whether I wanted my porridge because I clearly stated that I didn’t (even though I did) so Daddy took it away and I screamed that I wanted it even though by that stage I definitely didn’t. Daddy put the bowl back in front of me and said I had till the count of 3 to start eating so I started counting with him and I think this threw him because somehow we got all the way up to 8 and neither of us really knew what was happening so we both just stared at each other and in the confusion I started eating my porridge which turned out to be quite lovely, if a little cold.

My first book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is out now and you can order it HERE.


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