Skip to main content

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#24)

1.I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed.

2.Incredibly smug parents are more irritating than genital warts.

3.It's entirely possible for a sweet, beautiful baby to stink like the Glastonbury toilets.

4.If youth is wasted on the young, parenthood is wasted on the tired.

5.My son's "poo stare" is more intense than an episode of This Is England.

6.A 6 month old kicking you in the balls is funny. An 11 month old kicking you in the balls isn't.

7.People who don't pick their dog shit up from kids parks should have their nose rubbed in it.

8.Nothing halts frivolity quicker than a baby grabbing your glasses.

9.I'm pretty sure the lingering stench of that last nappy has taken value off our house.

10.Getting pissed on by your baby is not an acceptable Mother's Day gift.

Comments

Peter Floyd said…
nice and cute baby
marta said…
On the off chance that there was intelligence accessible the offer you some assistance with avoiding a few pitfalls in life would you exploit this learning or overlook it and go the long hard street of reiteration and trouble? As I think back I now see what number of hardships I didn't need to confront in the event that I had taken my guardians counsel; now I will offer my kids some assistance with breaking this cycle and gain by this significant understanding.
Unknown said…
My son's "poo stare" is more intense than an episode of This Is England. kinda funnny... liked your post...thanks here you can checkout some stuff for you child..from babies... Good luck
William Braylen said…
One of the most important things that you should learn as a parent is how to understand your child. You need to know that your child has a unique personality that will remain for the rest of his or her life.
FreshBabyGear said…
If you constantly find yourself in disagreement with your teenager because of the generation gap, parenting will be a frustrating experience. You must Learn Smart Parenting to have a harmonious relationship with your teenagers.

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi