Sam Avery

This went up on my FB page back in August...I'm still playing catch-up with posting all my blogs onto this site... MONDAY The Big People never used to let me have anything back from the floor without washing and sterilising the shite out of it but today I dropped some baked beans and Daddy just scooped the little bastards up with his fingers and slopped them right back onto my plate. Listen, bollock breath - I’ve got no problem with eating stuff straight off the kitchen lino but for Tumble’s sake don’t use those same grotty fingers that you’ve been peeling dried kack from my arse with for the last week. UGH. TUESDAY Mummy let me run round the garden with no clothes on so to say thanks I treated her to a lovely cuddle and some hot piss down her jeans. WEDNESDAY Ate a sandwich with a fork today. How have I never done this before?! Sometimes things just feel right. THURSDAY I really need to stop saying no to everything all the time. Obviously it still need...

I'm doing a book signing and Q&A at Waterstones in Liverpool One this Thursday 19th Oct, 6.30pm. Tickets are just £3 and available here. I look forward to meeting some of you! Sam x

MONDAY I specifically asked for beans WITH toast and they gave me beans ON toast. Pricks. Then they wheeled out that trademark backtracking bullshit that the toast was unscathed (even though it was dripping in depraved bean juice) and that the beans were also fine (even though they’d been polluted to high buggery by that disgusting toast). Both items are quite lovely on their own but put them together and they become the stuff of nightmares, l ike Mummy with wine. TUESDAY On the packed bus this morning I pointed directly at the large lady next to us and shouted MOO-COW dead loud. Mummy went bright red and told me to shush but this woman clearly had a picture of a moo-cow on her bag so I’m not sure what all the commotion was about to be honest. WEDNESDAY Was messing about in bed tonight and Daddy told me to stop but I carried on jumping up and down with my blanket over my head while pretending to be a zoo. At this point he’d normally threaten to send me to bed but I was already ...

MONDAY Kicked off big style after bathtime so they sat me on the naughty step. Had no pants on so made a political statement by emptying my arse all over it.  # fuckthepolice TUESDAY It’s simply not enough that I have all the toys I want. Other people must also have toys. Not necessarily the toys they actually want but the toys that I want them to have. And this can change dramatically at any moment for absolutely no reason so keep the fuck up, bozos. WEDNESDAY I wish everyone would stop telling me I can’t do stuff. It does my little tits in. THURSDAY Back on the naughty step today. I really don’t understand how the good old fashioned bottom step is now suddenly the naughty step? It’s a joke really as it’s the very same step that Daddy sits on to tie his shoelaces and he never screams, sobs and then reluctantly apologises before he gets up like I have to. FRIDAY Some little girl at the park had thrown her hat on the floor and her Mummy was telling her to pick it up but ...

1. Never mind the big salaries at the BBC, I'm more annoyed they pissed money away making more than one episode of In The Night Garden. 2. That moment you're wolfing down your kid's leftovers and your partner says, 'They spat most of that out you know...' 🤢 3. This toddler 'mine' stage has gone supernova. My two year old just claimed both my feet were his. 4. My boys trying to feed yoghurt to their Nan over Skype is fucking hilarious.  🤣 🤣 5. The day before the binmen come is like Christmas Eve in our house. That's not right. 6. My two year old has started carrying a croquet mallet everywhere with him, like some upper class Negan. 7. A piss stained bus stop is no place for a family picnic. 8. ME: What's the opposite of hot? BOYS: Mummy! Oh dear.

MONDAY Managed to evade capture from the authorities just before bathtime (while totally bollocko) so went and laid low under the Big People’s duvet. God knows how but I ended up INSIDE the fucking thing and couldn’t get out. Felt like I was lost inside a big fluffy cloud which was fun for a bit (three seconds) and then suddenly scary when I realised I was stuck. Mummy tried to coax me back to the opening but I was too busy screaming to listen to instructions so Daddy reached inside and said I was ‘like a bloody hamster’ (whatever that means) as he pulled me out. The whole experience was more traumatic than being born. Anyway, in the confusion I managed to lay some dirty cables inside the duvet. They won’t find those for ages. TUESDAY Sneezed all over my toast so offered it to Mummy. She didn’t want it so I got upset and broke it into smaller pieces but astonishingly she still wasn’t keen so I lovingly ground it up into snotty toast dust and offered it to her again. She finally sa...

1. Hell hath no fury like a toddler when you turn the telly off. 2. If you haven't sang 'Old Macdonald Had A Farm' all the way from M6 junction 12 to M62 junction 10, trust me - the time just flies by  😩 3. Some arguments my boys are now having with each other are ridiculous. A recent debate about whether a bus was a bus descended into full scale violence. 4. Standard conversation in our house... ME: Are you having a poo, son? *toddler's face changes actual shape while he grits his teeth and nearly pops an eyeball out* SON: No? 5. Introduced the old Black Lace 'Superman' song to my kids and apparently the command just after 'Clean your teeth'  is 'Kick Daddy in the bollocks.'