The Secret Diary of an 11 Month Old (Part 18)

MONDAY

The food round here is terrible. And chunky these days too. If God wanted me to chew he would've given me more than three teeth. And the big people are full of shit - they keep saying it's 'lovely' as they tuck into something completely different. Hypocrites.

TUESDAY

Actually wriggled off the sofa today. Wanted to do it for months but the big people have always intervened. Really hurt myself. Cried for ages. Why didn't the big people stop me? Will do it again tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY

Got to stop twatting my head on everything. It was funny at first but it's really becoming a problem now.

THURSDAY

Got abandoned today. Horrible scenes. Was left at this place with loads of other kids. Between you and me, I had the best day ever once I stopped crying. Made sure to scream again when the big people came to pick me up though. You've got to keep them on their toes.

FRIDAY

Still can't crawl. Have tried everything but it's dead hard. Think I'm just gonna start walking instead.

SATURDAY

Big person sneezed today. Definitely the most interesting thing they do. Apart from when they make their face disappear with their hands. That's magic.

SUNDAY

Know this, big people: if you continue to hide peas and other green shite inside my yoghurt I will retaliate with the kind of batshit tantrum you saw this afternoon. Consider this your final warning.

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Comments

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13 January 2017 at 08:12

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Sam Avery

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