Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of an 11 Month Old (Part 18)

MONDAY
The food round here is terrible. And chunky these days too. If God wanted me to chew he would've given me more than three teeth. And the big people are full of shit - they keep saying it's 'lovely' as they tuck into something completely different. Hypocrites.

TUESDAY
Actually wriggled off the sofa today. Wanted to do it for months but the big people have always intervened. Really hurt myself. Cried for ages. Why didn't the big people stop me? Will do it again tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY
Got to stop twatting my head on everything. It was funny at first but it's really becoming a problem now.

THURSDAY
Got abandoned today. Horrible scenes. Was left at this place with loads of other kids. Between you and me, I had the best day ever once I stopped crying. Made sure to scream again when the big people came to pick me up though. You've got to keep them on their toes.

FRIDAY
Still can't crawl. Have tried everything but it's dead hard. Think I'm just gonna start walking instead.

SATURDAY
Big person sneezed today. Definitely the most interesting thing they do. Apart from when they make their face disappear with their hands. That's magic.

SUNDAY
Know this, big people: if you continue to hide peas and other green shite inside my yoghurt I will retaliate with the kind of batshit tantrum you saw this afternoon. Consider this your final warning.

If you've enjoyed any of my blogs over the last year, please vote for me in the MAD Blog Awards 2016, details here. Thanks!
Labels:

Comments

marta larkin said…
At around nine-months old, your child will be experiencing the top of division uneasiness, which can make it hard for you to be far from your infant for more than a couple of hours. The best thing you can do at this phase of your child's life is to tell individuals what is going on so they approach your infant gradually.
16 April 2016 at 06:56
Unknown said…
A aboriginal glance at the Rolex table, annihilation else. Consumption appearance case simple, beeline curve of swiss replica watches the ordinary, individual chain, and even looks about cheap Five bean belt. Everything is not how. The a lot of fake rolex abhorrent is affairs chicken croaker do aquaculture upstart, all about all cutting Rolex, but not on 18K Gold and even 18K gold. But a awning on the wrist. In our words is a word: vulgar. I accept said afore the affair of customs, to this end aswell wrote Thousands of rolexreplicauk.co.uk words, not to acknowledgment here. So for Rolex, the all-inclusive majority of people's aboriginal activity is negative.
13 January 2017 at 08:12
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

MONDAY It really boils my piss when the Big People laugh at my tantrums. I know to them it probably appears that I’m just losing my shit at every possible opportunity but they must understand, different things matter to me. I’m not an adult. I don’t have a career or a mortgage. My teeth are killing and my only proper friends are my relatives so when you sing the wrong verse to Old McDonald it totally feels like the end of the world to me. TUESDAY Watched a brilliant video on Mummy’s phone of some kids dancing into their Daddy’s room when he was having a meeting. If my Daddy ever has a conversation anywhere near that important I’m definitely going to do the same. Those kids are an inspiration. WEDNESDAY Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across...
11 comments
Read more

#30: The 12 Different Types of Nappy

Opening your baby’s nappy is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get and you’ll probably end up with sticky fingers. My twin boys are 10 weeks old and these are the 12 types of nappy I’ve encountered so far. (If you’re eating your dinner I recommend reading this a bit later on.) 1.The Leak (AKA The Pooseidon Adventure ) It’s everywhere except in the nappy itself. Worse still, it’s leaving a trail. If Hansel and Gretel had a leaking baby with them the story would’ve ended happily. This type makes me actually doubt gravity. How can something that goes down end up on their shoulder? If it wasn't so gross you'd stand up and applaud. Unfortunately you can’t even enjoy the irony of removing a sleepsuit with bum juice up the back and ‘Too Cute’ across the front. (There are many causes of The Leak , one of which I covered in it’s full gory detail here. ) 2.The Tardis (AKA The Turdis , The Doctor Poo ) This is when the amount of was...
11 comments
Read more

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...
Post a Comment
Read more