The Secret Diary of an 11 Month Old (Part 17)

MONDAY

Nappy leaked today. Went everywhere. Decided to kick what was left all over the wall. Big people were grossed out but come on, we’ve all done it. What’s their problem?

TUESDAY

That music on the baby monitor is proper shit. There’s no beat. Give me something I can move to.

WEDNESDAY

Faffed about forever before naptime. Threw stuff about and puked a bit. Finally got settled but then did a poo bigger than my head. Nap got postponed. Nobody was happy. What else could I have done?

THURSDAY

Woke up crying because I’d leaked. Big person tried to burp me. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big person put the pretty lights on. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big person sang lullabies. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Leak reached their hand. Big person changed me. Went back to sleep. Big person is stupid.

FRIDAY

I’m feeling quite obsessed with one of the big people. Hate it when she leaves the room. Not the hairy one though. I don’t think he knows what he’s doing.

SATURDAY

Had a bad dream last night that I was an actual big person. Christ, it was horrible. Had loads to do and no time to do it. And I looked terrible.

SUNDAY

I think someone has been reading my diary and showing everyone. No doubt some two-bit clown desperate for a cheap laugh at my expense. Well guess what, thief? I just pooed in your coat pocket.

I'm a stand up comic and dad to 11 month old twin boys. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

Comments

Candace said…

I read your post on the twins on Meet Other Mums and I haven't laughed that hard out loud in forever. My daughter kept coming over to ask me what was so funny, but I don't think she'd get it ;) She's only 3.

11 March 2016 at 19:12

Sam Avery said…

Haha! Thanks Candace :)

2 April 2016 at 22:12

Jonah said…

I am a regular reader of your post.I appreciate with you.Thanks for sharing the blog and always keep it.

8 June 2016 at 12:55

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

MONDAY It really boils my piss when the Big People laugh at my tantrums. I know to them it probably appears that I’m just losing my shit at every possible opportunity but they must understand, different things matter to me. I’m not an adult. I don’t have a career or a mortgage. My teeth are killing and my only proper friends are my relatives so when you sing the wrong verse to Old McDonald it totally feels like the end of the world to me. TUESDAY Watched a brilliant video on Mummy’s phone of some kids dancing into their Daddy’s room when he was having a meeting. If my Daddy ever has a conversation anywhere near that important I’m definitely going to do the same. Those kids are an inspiration. WEDNESDAY Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across...

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