Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of an 8 Month Old (Part 9)

MONDAY
Big people put me in the bouncer which is ridiculous because they know it makes me poo. They left me there for ages too, while they farted around picking stuff up off the floor. Decided to bounce like never before. They won’t do that again - that bouncer is wrecked, man.

TUESDAY
Learned a new noise today. Cross between a cough and a scream. Did it all day. Forgot to nap. Big people weren’t impressed. Made the noise at them. They seemed less impressed.

WEDNESDAY
Big people had me laughing by putting the blanket over their head and taking it off again. Credit where credit’s due, it’s brilliant. So clever. I don’t know how they come up with this stuff.

THURSDAY
I was pretty narky this afternoon so they tried that thing with the blanket again. Wasn’t funny in the slightest. They need some new material.

FRIDAY
Was in a proper mood because I was tired (that noise is so much fun to make!) so they put me to bed early. Got the giggles. Made the new noise. Got angry. Went to sleep.

SATURDAY
Got taken to a room with loads of other little people in. Chatted to another little person who seemed to be on my level. We spent ages dribbling and discussing how immature the rest were.

SUNDAY
Cried because I was in the pram. Cried because they took me out the pram. Cried when they cuddled me so they put me in the bouncer. Big mistake. Big people are such slow learners.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my parenting blog on Facebook. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

Comments

Benny said…
Therefore let's imagine which following being rolex replica sale of all of this, you are looking at purchasing a customized Rolex Replicas or even additional watch. Typically, you've already been extremely restricted to colours so far. The objective of this short rolex replica sale lest We overlook would be to talk about the actual vibrant layer choices provided by rolex replica uk. You will find 2 extremely important factors right here. Very first is actually which hublot replica uk may create instead long lasting films within a variety of nothing you've seen prior provided colours, as well as 2nd, that they'll layer particular parts of steel, instead of whole areas. Rau-Tech sets apart these types of rolex replica in to 2 unique providers. The very first support is actually Rau-Tech Duramantan, that is when you wish whole areas covered, as well as rolex replica is actually exactly where these people layer just areas of areas whilst departing a few of the bottom steel subjected.

Popular posts from this blog

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu