The Secret Diary of a 6 Month Old (Part 4)

MONDAY

Refused to take my nap today - was convinced something amazing was going to happen and didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed.

TUESDAY

My food arrived but they didn’t feed me for ages. They kept shouting a lot and blowing on it. I started to whinge so the idiots gave me a tambourine. I wanted food, not percussion.

WEDNESDAY

I cried for ages last night so they put me into the big people’s bed which was well comfier than my stupid cot. If that’s what happens when you cry I’ll definitely do that again tonight.

THURSDAY

Tried to cry myself into their bed again but they stood firm. Cried harder than ever but in the end gave up and had a really lovely sleep actually.

FRIDAY

Teeth were hurting me today. Why do people think I want to see them pull funny faces when I’m crying? They’ve got no idea what I’m going through.

SATURDAY

Felt a bit sad today but then did a poo that took lots of effort and then I felt dead happy. Made sure I locked eyes with a big person while I was doing it. I think it freaks them out.

SUNDAY

I’m glad I’m not a big person. They always seem so tired. They should sleep more. Sleep is brilliant.

(To be continued...)

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page)

Comments

Anonymous said…

How a heavy, polished hublot replica sale call works together with the actual darkish dark ceramic bezel is actually something which needs to be observed reside to become completely valued this. Using its metallic rolex replica bands this superbly matches the actual dark as well as platinum eagle bezel. Upon each call rolex replica you have the actual 18ct whitened precious metal appliqués about the hr guns as well as fingers. The actual nature from the rolex replica uk will go the same, since it most likely will stay for that near future. Using the intro of the dark chocolate call as well as Everose Rolesor situation with an Oyster band, the actual replica watches sale provides an additional choice to the actual collection following final year's design. Last year from Baselworld 2015, the actual replica watches sale showed up along with a fresh Oysterflex straps, 40mm situation, as well as quality 3135 motion.

9 March 2017 at 03:58

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q...

The Time I Embarrassed Myself on a Bouncy Castle

Kids love bouncy castles. And why not? They’re bouncy and unpredictable, like Kanye West on a pogo stick. But just like Calpol, crayons and eating your own bogeys, the allure of the bouncy castle tends to dissipate as we reach adulthood. I’m not someone who lists ‘castle bouncing’ as a hobby these days. My kids, on the other hand, love a good bouncy castle. The bouncier the better. The only thing they love more than a GOOD bouncy castle is a REALLY BAD bouncy castle. Especially those ones that haven’t undergone a decent risk assessment since mullets were cool. In fact, the more dubious the health and safety standards appear to a casual bystander, the more keen my kids are to dive on headfirst and find the hazards. So. We’re at a farm park. We’re enjoying the standard parental farm park experience - the kids are interested in everything EXCEPT the very farm animals that we just paid a whopping £37.50 to visit. (BTW - My son’s favourite animal at Chester Zoo was ...

Sam Avery

Search This Blog