Skip to main content

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 38)

MONDAY
They keep telling me I need to share. ‘Learn to share, sweetie. Sharing’s nice.’ Then when I did share (the contents of my nappy with the sofa) they went fucking bananas. You can’t win with some people.

TUESDAY
Went the supermarket and called every other male adult Daddy. Very loudly. Think it pisses real Daddy off.

WEDNESDAY
I’ve been saying this for a while now but Postman Pat is an absolute knob. I’m only little and even I know he’d struggle to get his hands on a fucking plane. Love Peppa Pig though. What a role model. I hope I grow up to be just as obnoxious as her.

THURSDAY
Got told off today by Daddy. Laughed in his face. I refuse to have respect for anyone’s discipline when they’re also giggling behind their hand.

FRIDAY
The Big People need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me.

SATURDAY
Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me?

SUNDAY
Woke up extra early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...)

Comments

Anonymous said…
Watch winder vary in prices, although there are some that run up to a thousand dollars. Because replica watches uk winders are normally classified as a convenience device, a lot of people do not buy them and have them as their rolex replica sale. Most people actually buy them as collectibles. Experts also say that those who have replica watches uk that they rarely wear should simply wind it regularly and just let it run down. Those who have special watch that they regularly wear, a replica watches sale winder should be a good and convenient product to have. If you keep a watch winder, then you can be sure your watch runs accurately and smoothly at all times. There are actually three kinds of breitling replica sale elegant, functional, and extravagant. These types can appeal to rolex replica uk owners and collectors. For the more expensive type, there is no limit in the options you have, such as built-in storage units with heaters that help maintain the watch at a standard body temperature.
7 April 2017 at 05:30
Emma Charlotte said…
Good to read about your secret diaries. It inspires me to write blog diaries for my cheap dissertation writing services where I am working yet now.
13 April 2017 at 11:38
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q...
Post a Comment
Read more

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waf...
Post a Comment
Read more