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The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 34)

MONDAY
Listen, Big People - if I won’t eat certain food with my hands, I’m not going to eat it just because you stick it on a fork am I? IT’S THE SAME FOOD, DICKHEADS! Just because I can’t control my arse yet doesn’t mean I’m a total bellend. And sometimes I throw food ON THE FLOOR because I want to eat it ON THE FLOOR.

TUESDAY
Today was brilliant – cried all afternoon and refused to nap. Then did a wee in my cot that a racehorse would be proud of, causing a complete sheet change. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY
The Big People really fuck me off when they sing Wheels on the Bus in the wrong order you know. It’s a kids song, not Pulp Fiction – you can’t just mess with the narrative and expect it to still be entertaining.

THURSDAY
Pissed on my own face today. It’s been a while. Forgot how refreshing it was. The Big People should try it when they’re tired.

FRIDAY
Discovered something today called ‘YouTube’. Oh. My. God. Sugar for the eyes! Felt like I’d jammed my head into a bucket of cheap sweets. Spent ages just gazing at the bright colours and losing myself in the repetitive, mindless soundtrack until I felt at one with the video. (Think it was about a bus.) I could actually FEEL my brain rotting as I sat there staring at the screen. Bliss.

SATURDAY
I’ve started leaving the room when I do a poo. I’m still not ready for that ghastly looking potty-thing, but I do enjoy a tiny bit of privacy when I’m squeezing one out these days. So it’s quite distracting when the Big People follow me into the kitchen and continually ask, ‘Are you doing a poo?’ Don’t be silly - I’m doing a particularly tricky yoga pose that’s causing me to grind my teeth like a rabid dog and make the room stink like an outside bin - OF COURSE I’M DOING A POO! How would they like it if I kept interrupting them all the time?

SUNDAY
Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...)

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