Skip to main content

5 New Year's Resolutions for Parents (That you won't keep)



1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT.

You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pyjamas.

Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do.


2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST

This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have fucked off in a sports car together like Thelma and Louise.

You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are.

You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes.

Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes.

3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN YOUR CHILD PUKES ON THEM

Baby is playing.
Baby is bouncing.
Baby is smiling.
Baby is puking.
Duvet is ruined.
Parent is tired.
Duvet is dabbed with a wet wipe.
Parent is satisfied that's classed as washing.

4. YOU WILL NOT LET BABY NAP ON THE SOFA

They've had it too good for too long. They need to learn that the sofa is for sitting and the cot is for napping.

Except your favourite programme is on and they're sleeping like a log that just got a new onesie.

You've woken a napping baby before and it was like an out-take from the Exorcist. Sod it. Let sleeping babies lie. 

You can start properly tomorrow.

5. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE WEARING ONLY CLEAN CLOTHES

This is as likely as Adele singing about a happy ending. (Of course by which I don’t mean one of the ‘extras’ in a seedy Soho massage parlour.)

Your criteria for choosing clothes used to be, 'OOH, WHAT WOULD I LOOK NICE IN TODAY?'

After your baby was born it became, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON?'

A few months of parenthood down the line it evolved into, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON THE CROTCH?'

Let’s be honest, nowadays you open the wardrobe and go, ‘AH FUCK IT. YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THAT PUKE IF I KEEP MY HAND THERE.'

I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. Follow my blog by liking my Facebook page.

Comments

caroilne said…
I have something to share with you!!! There is a great joy in my heart
which I want to share with everyone. My name is Caroline Webb from United
States. I had a misunderstanding with my lover last year which led us to
break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. He saw a beautiful
woman which he find more prettier than me, but as time went on I met god Dr lucky He is a great spell caster. I contacted him through his email and
explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover
will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness before 24
hours.My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on
his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy and he also cured
my Sister's breast cancer. Do you have any problem? worry no more because
Dr lucky can provide lasting spell solution to any problems:email him Dr luckysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +23480139792383 or add him on whats- app +23480139792383

If you want your ex back.

You want to be promoted in your office.

If you want to be cured of HIV, Cancers and other diseases.

You want to be rich.

You want your husband/wife to be yours forever.

If you need financial assistance.



Popular posts from this blog

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q